Contenders for Title of Rob Ford’s Inevitable Autobiography

“Autobiography? Why not? I love cars.”

I Don’t Think I Did Anything Wrong

Folks…

At the End of the Day

The Last One to Toot My Own Horn

Nothing Left to Hide (reserved for Volume 2)

 

 

 

What If Rob Ford Was Prime Minister?

– Subways to Newfoundland!

– Hanging out with Vladimir Putin drinking vodka!

– Knocking over Angela Merkel at the G7!

– Calling for a lynch mob rather than agreeing to keeping Veterans Affairs offices open!

– Apologizing to all the k*kes, w*ps, d*gos, and n**gers for past treatment! Or not!

– Personally welcoming Jamaican ambassador to Canada using “authentic” patois!

 

Look, I know this is two Rob Ford posts in a row, and that they’re not even my best work on the subject. I try not to let this blog be dominated by Rob Ford; I try to write about other things, and hopefully make people laugh. But with Rob coming back in three days from Fake Rehab, and with the idea that maybe, in these two months that he’s been away, people have forgotten how awful he is, I thought I’d remind everyone of some of the horrible things he’s done and said. Don’t be fooled by the stories he’ll weave when he comes back to Toronto, how he’s changed, he’s learned some hard truths about himself, and that it’s time to move on from the past. He’ll try to tell us that actions speak louder than words, that no one can match his record, and that he’s the only candidate who really understands the voters and will stick up for them. I wish him all the best in recovering from his addictions, substance abuse, ties with criminals, and otherwise appalling lack of good judgement. But until he actually, sincerely, apologizes for any of the things he’s done–and this is something he’s never done–he doesn’t deserve our attention, respect, or forgiveness.

Please don’t get caught up in the narrative that makes Toronto and this very important upcoming election all about Rob Ford. That’s what he and his brother want. They’re counting on sympathy and alienation to win this election. Don’t give it to them. Judge him on his actual record–as a racist, homophobe, bully, and spanner in the works of the kind of good government this city deserves–not on the fictitious and self-serving record he wants you to believe.

On June 30th, let’s all turn our backs on Rob Ford.

If Rob Ford Was Culturally Aware, He’d Still Be Culturally Illiterate

V for Gra-V Train

I get the impression that if Mayor Rob Ford watched any movies besides Cobra he’d fundamentally misunderstand the point anyway. He’d watch V for Vendetta and imagine himself and the Progressive Conservatives in the role of V, with the climactic scene of 10,000 V-masked protesters finally taking a stand against their unfeeling and repressive government reimagined as Ford Nation in Rob masks descending on City Hall to put an end to the Gravy Train.

Or picture this: a brutal general asks “Who is Rob Ford?” and one by one the beaten-down masses rise up and declare, “I’m Rob Ford!” “No, I’m Rob Ford!!”

Doug Ford would sympathize with Anakin Skywalker, slaughtering the young Jedi padawans, all for the greater good, and to protect the neighbourhood.

Random Toronto Thoughts, April 2014

“50% of marriages end in divorce!” I wanted to shout at the lovely couple having their wedding photos taken at City Hall.

How close could Rob Ford have been with Jim Flaherty? After all, he never called him “Jones.”

“Where’s the dandy convention, gents?” I thought of asking the two anachronistically-attired men waiting for the bus, neither of whom, shockingly, were Seth.

I always look away as the subway approaches, not wanting to witness the inevitable suicide.

As I walk around Toronto, I’m fairly secure in the knowledge that I probably won’t get beat up for wearing my particular team’s colours.

Overheard: people on the streetcar speaking German. I never heard the word “Hitler,” which sets my mind largely at ease.

DougFordBot 2000 Is Malfunctioning

Overheating of the DougFordBot unit is apparent based on reddening epidermis and wisps of smoke emanating from aural ports.

Despite being created and bankrolled by Canada’s very own Kennedy clan, the Fords of Etobicoke, DougFordBot 2000 has been showing clear signs that something is wrong. Whether a hardware issue or faulty programming, the sophisticated robot millionaire/non-politician appears to be seriously malfunctioning, and endangering itself and everyone around it.

The evidence includes:

• a subprogram is leaving uncomfortable and inhuman delays between each blink of the eyes
• attack mode target has switched from “gravy train” and “lie-berals” to “Chief of Police”
• “Let me ask you a question, Jackson Proskow of Earth… zzzzt! Global News.”
• the Third Law of Robotics (“A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law”) has somehow been overwritten to replace “existence” with “FordFamily” with the part about “does not conflict” disappearing altogether
• DougFordBot 2000 has started to believe that it was self-made and owes its wealth and privilege to its own efforts alone

Attempts at taking DougFordBot 2000 offline and initiating repairs have so far been unsuccessful because the unit has constantly placed itself in front of the media, making a discrete reboot impossible.

Crack-Smoking Mayor Rob Ford Sings “You May Be Right”

“You May Be Right”

Friday night I crashed your dancefloor

Every day I say I’m sorry

Sunday comes and cracks me out again

I was only having pops

Now my radio show’s stopped

And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

–

I called Sandro on the wiretapped phone

I walked through Doug Ford Park alone

Even drove my Escalade all-terrain

And you told me not to drive

But I made it home alive

So you said that only proves that I’m insane

–

You may be right

I may be crazy

But then it just may be politics you’re playing

Turn off the mics

Don’t try to quote me

I called you maggots–that’s what I know

And I know I’m right

–

Remember how I found you there

Streetcars messin’ up St. Clair

I called them gravy trains until you smiled

You were lonely for a man

I said “Take me as I am”

‘Cause you might enjoy some anger for awhile

–

Now think of all the years you tried to

Find someone to justify you

I might be the average guy you say

If I’m crazy then it’s true

That I did it all for you

And you wouldn’t want me any other way

–

You may be right

I may be crazy

But I just may be the hero that you’re looking for

It’s too late to fight

It’s too late to change me

You may be wrong for all I know

But I know I’m right

–

You may be right

I may be crazy

But it just may be a cost cowboy you’re looking for

Turn out the light

Don’t try to tape me

You may be cops for all I know

But then I’m drunk

You may be wrong but I know I’m right

You may be wrong but I know I’m right

 

—–

[with sincere apologies to Billy Joel and the people of Toronto]

Living in a Toronto Where a Crack-Smoking Mayor Is the New Normal

Change is coming. Change we can all get behind. Crack-centered change.

• Coach House >>>>> Coach’s House
• AGO >>>>> ARGO
• Etobicoke >>>>> Etobicrackcoke
• SkyDome >>>>> HighDome
• High Park >>>>> No change necessary

Is it too much to ask that Ford Nation is made to see this video… at Ford Fest? Or is that just a… <ahem> pipe dream?

Rob Ford’s Paranoid Nightmare

Unused “Drunk Rob Ford” Headlines

OK, I know what you’re thinking–“Dude, lay off the Mayor… the ‘Rob Ford is a drunk’ stories are so three weeks ago!” But at the time those stories came out, I had become so disillusioned with our Mayor that I couldn’t even bring myself to make fun of him. It was all just too much, too embarrassing, too constant, his foibles and missteps. Maybe I even felt bad for him. Had a line been crossed? Had the media delved too far into his personal life? Where should the line be drawn between public and personal lives anyway? So the Mayor likes to drink; so do I. Sometimes he drinks too much; so do I. What would I think if certain of my escapades had become front-page fodder? Had we reached the point where Rob Ford’s everyman appeal had found a resonance with my own values?

Maybe.

But more than anything I just wanted to be reading about important issues facing Toronto–the potential for a downtown casino, how we’re going to pay to fight gridlock, in general making this city a better place–and not about Mayor Ford’s personal troubles.

Since the headlines questioning Ford’s drinking habits, he’s actually kept his nose pretty clean: no new scandals. Sure, he still says stupid things, and I still disagree with almost every opinion that comes out of his mouth, but at least he’s been talking about policies, and taxes, and a vision for the city, even if his vision is amazingly petty and narrow.

But in my own way, I’m petty, too. And I just couldn’t let these jokes at the Mayor’s expense sit unused, languishing in the recesses of my notebook. Let’s hope that these kinds of jokes represent the past, and that we won’t see their like again; let’s hope that when we talk about Rob Ford in the future, it’ll be about his politics, not his behaviour.

Your Coverage of City Hall Makes the Mayor Drink

“Just a little sippy before this transit vote…”

“I can stop anytime I want, just like I stopped the gravy train. Boom! See what I did there?”

Toronto: Where Proposing a Toast to the Mayor’s Health is Now a Controversial Political Act

“Forget subways–what I really want is a motorboat, ifyaknowhatimean!”

In all seriousness, I hope that if Rob Ford has problems with alcohol or drugs, that he gets the help he needs, and listens to those close to him who care about him and risked so much by talking to the media.

Giorgio Mammoliti Is About to Blow the Lid off This Whole Thing!

Toronto City Councillor and World War I flying ace Giorgio Mammoliti addresses the media moments before hopping into his Sopwith Camel to go shoot down the Red Baron. Mammoliti is convinced that there’s a vast conspiracy in Toronto targeted at and organized by City Councillors and their allies, designed to discredit Mayor Rob Ford, who was convicted of a conflict of interest violation, accused of threatening a reporter and giving the finger to a seven year-old girl, used city resources to benefit his family business and to help coach his football team, and involved in numerous other self-made scandals. Mammoliti, who can purportedly “smell” communism and is best known for his efforts to erect the largest flag pole in the world, taking his shirt off at City Hall to make a point, suggesting that the Toronto Islands be turned into a red light district, and who has been known to attend the Dyke March with a video camera, is conducting an investigation on his own, and will notify the police when he has sufficient evidence, or when he finds a mysterious one-thumbed man who he is convinced can explain all of his odd behaviour and shenanigans around City Hall.