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Steve Guttenberg: charming, funny, devastatingly handsome, box office gold.  It’s hard to believe that all of that was being said about Guttenberg twenty-five years ago.  Back then, he had it all; now, despite steady work, a happy family life, a beautiful home, and being at peace with himself, he often sits fully clothed in his bathtub for hours on end wondering, “What the hell happened?”

Diner, The Day After, Police Academy 1-4, Three Men and a Baby, Cocoon… some of the most forgettable blockbusters of the 1980s, thanks to the star at their centre, Steve Guttenberg.  Many people vaguely remember the boyish grin; more remember the reference to the actor in the Stonecutters song on the Simpsons (“Who made Steve Guttenberg a star?”) although even that was fifteen years ago. Then, Guttenberg could laugh self-deprecatingly at a career that seemed to have temporarily lost its way.  Now, still in the wilderness, the joke haunts him.  “Was it Don’t Tell Her It’s Me?  Was that what killed my career?  I don’t know… I just don’t know…” the actor muses, trailing off, his eyes getting that far-away look that in his heyday passed for sensitivity.

While Guttenberg has continued to be a working actor, he is most proud of his efforts to help others less fortunate.  To that end, he has created Guttenhouse, an apartment complex he has funded to accommodate young people after their graduation from foster child status.  “Not everyone has the opportunity to have not one, but three amazing fathers, each with their own strengths, who could come together as friends and human beings to raise an orphan, even though they were unsure whether or not they were the real father… like in my hit 1987 film Three Men and a Baby, or its popular sequel Three Men and a Little Lady… not everyone can be that lucky… so lucky… what happened to those times…?  So lucky…”

Looking ever forward, Guttenberg has plans to combine his faith and star power to market a product available exclusively on QVC starting in February: bibles.  “There’s a real yearning in America for the values we grew up with, harkening back to simpler times when things were so much clearer–the 1980s. It was a great time for America, and it was a great time for me, and that’s why I’ve teamed up with QVC to offer something that reflects my belief in the redeeming, resurrective power of Our Saviour… Guttenberg Bibles, personally endorsed by me, Steve Guttenberg.  I don’t know why, but the name just sounds right.”

It was revealed today through confidential sources that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper frequently prorogues his own orgasms in an effort to prolong lovemaking sessions and to control the sexual agenda between he and his wife, Laureen.

“There are typically two ways that Prime Ministers can prorogue their orgasms,” according to constitutional sexpert Aubrey St. John-Smythe-Smith, “One, called the ‘withdrawal’ method, in which the sitting member simply refrains from entering the… if you will, ‘house’ until such time as he is ready to begin again the thrust and parry of debate, and two, colloquially known as ‘thinking about hockey’, used when certain sensitive issues have come to a head, where the Prime Minister refuses to contemplate the issues at hand, waiting instead for the moment when sensitivity decreases and he may once again dive full-force into the house, bringing both he and the house to a satisfactory climax.”

While critics are accusing the Prime Minister of abusing the trust of voters, being selfish, and delaying the inevitable, supporters point out that he is entirely in his rights to prorogue orgasms.  “The role of the Prime Minister today is much more robust and virile than it used to be, and the Canadian people expect their leader to take a commanding position in Parliament, as well as the bedroom.  Although the Governor General traditionally has the power to deny prorogue, this is no longer done in practice, as the Governor General has become largely a ceremonial position, and must be content to be a mere spectator as the Prime Minister takes the lead, sets the pace, and maps out the crucial decision to come,” explains a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office.  “This is nothing new: proroguing has been done by nearly all of our Prime Ministers, hundreds of times… except King, of course.”

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