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al-Assad shows Syria what it'll get if it don't step off

Syria’s president, Bashar al-Assad, today addressed the situation in his embattled country, which faces fierce protests and even fiercer government crackdowns, which have led to dozens of deaths.

“Implementing reforms is not a fad,” Mr. al-Assad said Wednesday. “When it is just a reflection of a wave that the region is living, it is destructive.”

“You want reform, huh? You’ll get the back of my hand, bitch!”

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Collector and curator Reinhard Schulz, who is definitely Swiss and for sure not a German, in cooperation with Life Magazine, has made public images of Eva Braun, companion and later wife of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler. The pictures, which portray Braun in situations that would be totally banal and uninteresting if it weren’t for her connection to one of the most-reviled figures in history, are for some reason only appearing now, more than sixty-five years after her death and the end of World War II. And The History Channel couldn’t be more ecstatic.

“We had heard rumours that the US Army had confiscated the personal effects of Hitler and Braun at the end of the war, but they were just that–rumours,” explained History Channel spokesman Jack Lawton. “We were intrigued, but had our hands full with footage and archives that filled hours and hours of programming. But after years of mining every angle we possibly could about World War II, we thought the story was completely tapped. With the timely release of these images–powerful, disturbing images that shed new light on the struggles of the Greatest Generation–we, and our shareholders, were absolutely thrilled. We’re starting next week with a six-part mini-series, “History’s Deadliest Mistresses” with a heavy focus on Eva Braun cavorting with the Nazi elite. It’s going to be titillat-… I mean, educational.

“The photo of Braun in blackface is just gravy.”

Life Magazine promises to next release previously unknown photos of Stalin’s housekeeper, a clown hired to perform at Mussolini’s birthday party in 1942, and a dog belonging to the youngest son of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels. When asked to comment on this new treasure trove, Lawton tilted his head back, lolled out his tongue, and made a Homer Simpson-esque gurgling sound.

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