You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Mayor Rob Ford’ tag.

"Autobiography? Why not? I love cars."

“Autobiography? Why not? I love cars.”

I Don’t Think I Did Anything Wrong

Folks…

At the End of the Day

The Last One to Toot My Own Horn

Nothing Left to Hide (reserved for Volume 2)

 

 

 

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– Subways to Newfoundland!

– Hanging out with Vladimir Putin drinking vodka!

– Knocking over Angela Merkel at the G7!

– Calling for a lynch mob rather than agreeing to keeping Veterans Affairs offices open!

– Apologizing to all the k*kes, w*ps, d*gos, and n**gers for past treatment! Or not!

– Personally welcoming Jamaican ambassador to Canada using “authentic” patois!

 

Look, I know this is two Rob Ford posts in a row, and that they’re not even my best work on the subject. I try not to let this blog be dominated by Rob Ford; I try to write about other things, and hopefully make people laugh. But with Rob coming back in three days from Fake Rehab, and with the idea that maybe, in these two months that he’s been away, people have forgotten how awful he is, I thought I’d remind everyone of some of the horrible things he’s done and said. Don’t be fooled by the stories he’ll weave when he comes back to Toronto, how he’s changed, he’s learned some hard truths about himself, and that it’s time to move on from the past. He’ll try to tell us that actions speak louder than words, that no one can match his record, and that he’s the only candidate who really understands the voters and will stick up for them. I wish him all the best in recovering from his addictions, substance abuse, ties with criminals, and otherwise appalling lack of good judgement. But until he actually, sincerely, apologizes for any of the things he’s done–and this is something he’s never done–he doesn’t deserve our attention, respect, or forgiveness.

Please don’t get caught up in the narrative that makes Toronto and this very important upcoming election all about Rob Ford. That’s what he and his brother want. They’re counting on sympathy and alienation to win this election. Don’t give it to them. Judge him on his actual record–as a racist, homophobe, bully, and spanner in the works of the kind of good government this city deserves–not on the fictitious and self-serving record he wants you to believe.

On June 30th, let’s all turn our backs on Rob Ford.

V for Gra-V Train

V for Gra-V Train

I get the impression that if Mayor Rob Ford watched any movies besides Cobra he’d fundamentally misunderstand the point anyway. He’d watch V for Vendetta and imagine himself and the Progressive Conservatives in the role of V, with the climactic scene of 10,000 V-masked protesters finally taking a stand against their unfeeling and repressive government reimagined as Ford Nation in Rob masks descending on City Hall to put an end to the Gravy Train.

Or picture this: a brutal general asks “Who is Rob Ford?” and one by one the beaten-down masses rise up and declare, “I’m Rob Ford!” “No, I’m Rob Ford!!”

Doug Ford would sympathize with Anakin Skywalker, slaughtering the young Jedi padawans, all for the greater good, and to protect the neighbourhood.

“You May Be Right”

Friday night I crashed your dancefloor

Every day I say I’m sorry

Sunday comes and cracks me out again

I was only having pops

Now my radio show’s stopped

And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I called Sandro on the wiretapped phone

I walked through Doug Ford Park alone

Even drove my Escalade all-terrain

And you told me not to drive

But I made it home alive

So you said that only proves that I’m insane

You may be right

I may be crazy

But then it just may be politics you’re playing

Turn off the mics

Don’t try to quote me

I called you maggots–that’s what I know

And I know I’m right

Remember how I found you there

Streetcars messin’ up St. Clair

I called them gravy trains until you smiled

You were lonely for a man

I said “Take me as I am”

‘Cause you might enjoy some anger for awhile

Now think of all the years you tried to

Find someone to justify you

I might be the average guy you say

If I’m crazy then it’s true

That I did it all for you

And you wouldn’t want me any other way

You may be right

I may be crazy

But I just may be the hero that you’re looking for

It’s too late to fight

It’s too late to change me

You may be wrong for all I know

But I know I’m right

You may be right

I may be crazy

But it just may be a cost cowboy you’re looking for

Turn out the light

Don’t try to tape me

You may be cops for all I know

But then I’m drunk

You may be wrong but I know I’m right

You may be wrong but I know I’m right

 

—–

[with sincere apologies to Billy Joel and the people of Toronto]

Change is coming. Change we can all get behind. Crack-centered change.

  • Coach House >>>>> Coach’s House
  • AGO >>>>> ARGO
  • Etobicoke >>>>> Etobicrackcoke
  • SkyDome >>>>> HighDome
  • High Park >>>>> No change necessary

Is it too much to ask that Ford Nation is made to see this video… at Ford Fest? Or is that just a… <ahem> pipe dream?

20130622-001730.jpg

Toronto is still eight months away from the start of the long 2014 election campaign–although if you listen to the Mayor and his brother you’d be excused for thinking we’ve been in the middle of an election for the past six months–and yet the issues that will likely dominate already seem to be coalescing. Here is a sneak preview of what will be on every candidate’s lips in less than a year:

  • Subways, subways, subways
  • No one has done more for _____ than _____
  • Taxes, taxes, taxes
  • At the end of the day, Toronto needs _____, not _____
  • Efficiencies, folks, efficiencies
  • Casinos, casinos, casinos
  • These damn streetcars clogging up our streets
  • Jets, jets, jets
  • The people can’t afford the things that the people are demanding that they want
  • Respect, respect, respect

I don’t know about you, but if you’re like Rob Ford and hate the actual business of governing, and can’t wait for this session of City Council to be over and the election season of strident name-calling, empty catchphrases and soon-to-be-broken promises to begin, 2014 can’t come soon enough!

Rob Ford DrunkOK, I know what you’re thinking–“Dude, lay off the Mayor… the ‘Rob Ford is a drunk’ stories are so three weeks ago!” But at the time those stories came out, I had become so disillusioned with our Mayor that I couldn’t even bring myself to make fun of him. It was all just too much, too embarrassing, too constant, his foibles and missteps. Maybe I even felt bad for him. Had a line been crossed? Had the media delved too far into his personal life? Where should the line be drawn between public and personal lives anyway? So the Mayor likes to drink; so do I. Sometimes he drinks too much; so do I. What would I think if certain of my escapades had become front-page fodder? Had we reached the point where Rob Ford’s everyman appeal had found a resonance with my own values?

Maybe.

But more than anything I just wanted to be reading about important issues facing Toronto–the potential for a downtown casino, how we’re going to pay to fight gridlock, in general making this city a better place–and not about Mayor Ford’s personal troubles.

Since the headlines questioning Ford’s drinking habits, he’s actually kept his nose pretty clean: no new scandals. Sure, he still says stupid things, and I still disagree with almost every opinion that comes out of his mouth, but at least he’s been talking about policies, and taxes, and a vision for the city, even if his vision is amazingly petty and narrow.

But in my own way, I’m petty, too. And I just couldn’t let these jokes at the Mayor’s expense sit unused, languishing in the recesses of my notebook. Let’s hope that these kinds of jokes represent the past, and that we won’t see their like again; let’s hope that when we talk about Rob Ford in the future, it’ll be about his politics, not his behaviour.

Your Coverage of City Hall Makes the Mayor Drink

“Just a little sippy before this transit vote…”

“I can stop anytime I want, just like I stopped the gravy train. Boom! See what I did there?”

Toronto: Where Proposing a Toast to the Mayor’s Health is Now a Controversial Political Act

“Forget subways–what I really want is a motorboat, ifyaknowhatimean!”

In all seriousness, I hope that if Rob Ford has problems with alcohol or drugs, that he gets the help he needs, and listens to those close to him who care about him and risked so much by talking to the media.

20130125-073114.jpg

Toronto City Councillor and World War I flying ace Giorgio Mammoliti addresses the media moments before hopping into his Sopwith Camel to go shoot down the Red Baron. Mammoliti is convinced that there’s a vast conspiracy in Toronto targeted at and organized by City Councillors and their allies, designed to discredit Mayor Rob Ford, who was convicted of a conflict of interest violation, accused of threatening a reporter and giving the finger to a seven year-old girl, used city resources to benefit his family business and to help coach his football team, and involved in numerous other self-made scandals. Mammoliti, who can purportedly “smell” communism and is best known for his efforts to erect the largest flag pole in the world, taking his shirt off at City Hall to make a point, suggesting that the Toronto Islands be turned into a red light district, and who has been known to attend the Dyke March with a video camera, is conducting an investigation on his own, and will notify the police when he has sufficient evidence, or when he finds a mysterious one-thumbed man who he is convinced can explain all of his odd behaviour and shenanigans around City Hall.

“My defence is that you’re all liars.”

“That never happened, and if it did, it was because I was drunk.”

“The kids!”

“The football players!!”

“The black football players!!!”

“Folks…”

“It’s not a conflict if I never understood the rules in the first place.”

“Err, Doug, maybe you shouldn’t… <sigh>”

“I do not understand math.”

“________? I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

“Do you wanna step outside?”

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