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America: President Trump! Did you order the Code Red?!

“Judge” Jeanine Pirro: You don’t have to answer that question!

Trump: I’ll answer the question. You want an answer?

America: I think I’m entitled to it!

Trump: You want an answer?!

America: I want the truth!!

Trump: You’re fake news! We live in a world that has walls, like in Vatican City and around Obama’s mansion, and I’m the only one who can build this wall. A beautiful wall of solid concrete, or steel or gold or whatever. Who’s gonna build it? Me! Not the failing New York Times or Nancy Pelosi or Jeff Bozo! I am a stabler genius than you can possibly fathom. You weep for MS-13 and you curse the Deplorables. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that colluding with Russia, which no one can prove and anyway it was Crooked Hillary who was colluding, probably saved lives. And my hair and spray tan and mushroom dick, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, save lives! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want that wall. You need that wall. We use words like “Pocahantas”, “covfefe”, “loyalty.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent lying about everything. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the attention span to explain myself to Democrats who rise and sleep under the Trump-branded blanket (all sales final) of the very freedom that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you Mr. Trump”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you come back to Washington, and give me $5.7 billion for this wall or steel slats or white picket fence. The real America has picket fences! Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

America: Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Did you order the Code Red?

Trump: I did the job that—-

America: Did you order the Code Red?!

Trump: I ORDERED A GODDAMN DIET COKE!

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I’ve been writing a lot of trivia questions lately, for the monthly trivia night my friends and I host, and also as a fun way to learn things myself, with the notion of trying to host my own regular night in the future. What I’ve learned is that fascinating facts abound, but sometimes it’s a struggle to form a question around the facts, in a way that is “gettable” for people hoping to answer and also fun. And that’s especially true in the case of multiple choice questions.

Consider this: faced with a list of Jim Jarmusch movies, imagine the wealth of questions you could ask, the diverse plots, the range of actors appearing, the variety of styles. Jarmusch has used certain actors on multiple occasions, so the thought occurs to write a question with multiple choices where the correct response is the one outlier in an actor’s filmography with the snowy-haired auteur.

But then you run into problems, entirely based on the standard format of multiple choice questions including five or six potential answers. Bill Murray, for example, has been a favourite actor for Jarmusch, and so I thought to write a question asking simply, “Which of these Jarmusch films did not feature the inimitable talents of Bill Murray?” The issue: Murray only appeared in three films for Jarmusch, so there aren’t enough wrong answers to fill the requisite number of false choices. Same problem for Roberto Benigni, another Jarmusch favourite. The end result? Two potentially fun and informative questions that just can’t be written as multiple choice, and a sad quizmaster who loves the Jarmusch oeuvre but finds his options seriously curtailed.

There’s a happy ending, though: 2019 promises a brand new Jim Jarmusch film, The Dead Don’t Die, a “comedy zombie” movie, starring none other than… Bill Murray.

Adorable BB-8!

BB-8’s mom

BB-8 was certainly a highlight of The Force Awakens. But what are the origins of this adorable addition to the cast, and why does he seem to have such an affinity for R2-D2? Well, The Last Jedi will reveal that Artoo is BB-8’s father, having had droid sex with a beachball.

There was a lot of controversy when Finn was revealed as a discouraging amount of fans found it hard to accept a Black Stormtrooper. Of course, no one worried too much about how it was that, if they were all clones of Django Fett, none of them had New Zealand accents. It’s clear that Finn isn’t a clone, but then where did he come from? The truth will finally be revealed: Finn’s father is none other than Lando Calrissian, and his mother a fine-ass lady Stormtrooper with a taste for Colt 45 and Bespin gas.

And what about the mysterious Rey? Two words: midichlorians, baby! They’re back, and out to prove that Anakin’s virgin birth was no fluke. The midichlorians don’t like the way the galaxy is headed–not one bit–and decided to get back into the game, big time! But what will happen when off-the-charts-midichlorian Rey meets grandson-of-midichlorian-baby Kylo Ren? SPARKS.

Poe Dameron was a pretty cool character, and we all hope to get to know him a little better in The Last Jedi. Where did he get those sick piloting skills, as well as his steely resolve and dedication to the Rebel cause? Well, it seems like a certain Wedge Antilles hooked up with none other than Mon Mothma before the attack on the original Death Star. Neither were sure they’d survive and we all know how passion can come out in moments of existential uncertainty. The result, nine months later, was Poe, and he has carried on the fight, making dad and mon proud.

 

Where are we as a nation that used to be proud of its beer heritage when by far the biggest displays in the Beer Store (don’t even get me started on the loss of that quirky and humble name, Brewer’s Retail) are Budweiser and Coors Light? Admittedly, Canadian and Blue aren’t good beers, but at least they’re ours. But not only have they been pushed to the margins of the store shelves, they lag in sales and aren’t even entirely Canadian-owned anymore. It makes me sad to walk into the Beer Store; Canadians used to boast that our beer was stronger (“why is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it’s fucking close to water”)–if not better–than American brews, but now our southern neighbours have colonized our alcohol consumption like they long ago did our movie theatres and fast food chains. Why, they’ve even got rid of the wall of beer, which we would stare at and often find some unusual brand that we’d think of trying before going for the safe but almost-adventurous 50 or Carling, in favour of a touch-screen menu.

Wake up, Ontario! You’ve lost your beer heritage and are in danger of losing your very identity!

Prettier Woman – 70-year old Richard Gere trades in Julia Roberts’ reformed prostitute for a younger model, then becomes President even though he’s completely unqualified and shows clear signs of dementia

Faster Times at Ridgemont High – Spicolli, once the coolest teacher at Ridgemont High, struggles to keep up with technology, social media, and the school’s deadly opioid crisis

Blacker Rain – murder calls Michael Douglas back to Japan and he is SO. OVER. THIS. SHIT.

Riskier Business – Tom Cruise is off on a business trip but can he trust his daughter (Game of Thrones’ Maisie Williams) home alone… and with his car keys?!

A Few More Good Men – When Jack Nicholson sues for their part in his conviction, Cruise and Moore are gonna need the best legal team the military can provide… say hello to Jennifer Lawrence and Jaden Smith as JAG’s hottest defence attorneys!

Why can’t I find a pair of Hulk pants that will still fit even if I put on a few pounds?

Has Iron Man ever dropped a deuce while flying at high altitude?

Are there any mutants whose powers actually make them weaker, like their skin turning into tissue paper instead of steel?

Professor X: does the carpet match the drapes?

I understand how the Pym Particle works, but what the hell is a Pym’s Cup?

There’s got to be a thriving business in fake heralds of Galactus, right?

Where does She-Hulk buy her sports bras?

Are Doctors Doom and Octopus members of the American Medical Association? If so, are they aware that the Hippocratic Oath says “First, do no harm”?

Does Wolverine have a Green Card allowing him to work in the US?

Did Jarvis and Wong ever consider forming a union of superhero butlers?

Why didn’t Aunt May ever get a piece of Uncle Ben’s rice money?

What happens if Black Bolt gets allergies and has to sneeze?

Why are alter-egos always more mild-mannered than their heroic counterparts?

If you put your ear up to Sub-Mariner’s tummy, can you hear the ocean?

“Hi! Welcome to Gaslight Bookstore, how may I help you?”

“I was here last week and saw ______. I’ve been so looking forward to reading it!”

“We’ve never had that book.”

“Really? Jason put it on hold for me, even though you had lots of copies. He was very helpful.”

“I don’t know any Jason. Are you sure it wasn’t Samantha?”

“I don’t think so. Jason has worked here for years; I know him well. Anyway, can I order the book?”

“This is a bakery.”

“I beg your pardon? This is clearly a bookstore.”

“I think I know the difference between books and loaves of bread. Are you hungry?”

“Well, yes I am, but that’s beside the point. I want to buy a book!”

“Perhaps the hunger is affecting your brain. I can help you with that, but you need to admit that there was never a bookstore in the first place.”

“What…?! I’ve been buying books here forever! Can’t you just give me the book I want?”

“Don’t you mean you want this marble rye? We’re known for your marble ryes.”

“It does look delicious… fine, I’ll have one loaf of the rye and some of these croissants.”

“Ma’am, those aren’t croissants, they’re The Hunger Games series.”

“Please lock me away now.”

Screwbacca

Han Job Solo

Leia Orgasma

Lick Skyfucker

"I saved the world from the Nazi scourge, and I only get to be a Captain?"

“I saved the world from the Nazi scourge, and I only get to be a Captain?”

Some of the greatest heroes the world has ever known have had military ranks. Some of them have actually served in the military, notably Captain America, even though he seems to have been handed the rank of Captain straight away, rather than enlisting as Private America and being promoted, whether through merit or on the battlefield. Others, like the often-overlooked Sgt. Rock and the more-heralded Nick Fury, never got a commission, in spite of fighting their way across Nazi-occupied Europe.

Who appointed Captains Britain and Canuck to their ranks? They always seemed to be lone wolves. Maybe they got drummed out of their respective services for insubordination. Captain Marvel served in the Kree Army before saving the universe on more than one occasion, while the other Captain Marvel got all his powers from a magician and would almost certainly go by the name Shazam if saying the word wouldn’t turn him back into Billy Batson, who’s much too young to enlist.

But the real question is, with all of their heroics and freedom-fighting and leadership, why haven’t any of these heroes been promoted to higher ranks? Why no Major Mexico, Lieutenant Colonel Liechtenstein, Brigadier General Bolivia, or General Germany, for example? Dictators like Qaddafi and Noriega, who by all rights should have been defeated and disgraced by justice-seeking heroes, instead outranked all of them (to be fair Noriega appointed himself General, but if Captain America had ever become President, it’s almost certain he would have humbly remained a simple Captain).

Maybe part of being heroic and risking your life to save your country, the universe, or even just a cat caught in a tree is being modest enough to accept your rank in life, even when you’re more of a man than the rest of the Army put together.

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