Adorable BB-8!

BB-8’s mom

BB-8 was certainly a highlight of The Force Awakens. But what are the origins of this adorable addition to the cast, and why does he seem to have such an affinity for R2-D2? Well, The Last Jedi will reveal that Artoo is BB-8’s father, having had droid sex with a beachball.

There was a lot of controversy when Finn was revealed as a discouraging amount of fans found it hard to accept a Black Stormtrooper. Of course, no one worried too much about how it was that, if they were all clones of Django Fett, none of them had New Zealand accents. It’s clear that Finn isn’t a clone, but then where did he come from? The truth will finally be revealed: Finn’s father is none other than Lando Calrissian, and his mother a fine-ass lady Stormtrooper with a taste for Colt 45 and Bespin gas.

And what about the mysterious Rey? Two words: midichlorians, baby! They’re back, and out to prove that Anakin’s virgin birth was no fluke. The midichlorians don’t like the way the galaxy is headed–not one bit–and decided to get back into the game, big time! But what will happen when off-the-charts-midichlorian Rey meets grandson-of-midichlorian-baby Kylo Ren? SPARKS.

Poe Dameron was a pretty cool character, and we all hope to get to know him a little better in The Last Jedi. Where did he get those sick piloting skills, as well as his steely resolve and dedication to the Rebel cause? Well, it seems like a certain Wedge Antilles hooked up with none other than Mon Mothma before the attack on the original Death Star. Neither were sure they’d survive and we all know how passion can come out in moments of existential uncertainty. The result, nine months later, was Poe, and he has carried on the fight, making dad and mon proud.

 

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Where are we as a nation that used to be proud of its beer heritage when by far the biggest displays in the Beer Store (don’t even get me started on the loss of that quirky and humble name, Brewer’s Retail) are Budweiser and Coors Light? Admittedly, Canadian and Blue aren’t good beers, but at least they’re ours. But not only have they been pushed to the margins of the store shelves, they lag in sales and aren’t even entirely Canadian-owned anymore. It makes me sad to walk into the Beer Store; Canadians used to boast that our beer was stronger (“why is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it’s fucking close to water”)–if not better–than American brews, but now our southern neighbours have colonized our alcohol consumption like they long ago did our movie theatres and fast food chains. Why, they’ve even got rid of the wall of beer, which we would stare at and often find some unusual brand that we’d think of trying before going for the safe but almost-adventurous 50 or Carling, in favour of a touch-screen menu.

Wake up, Ontario! You’ve lost your beer heritage and are in danger of losing your very identity!

Fuck you Mourinho

and your negative football

(even though it won us

three championships and we’re

forever grateful–KTBFFH)

and fuck you Fellaini,

the dirtiest player I’ve ever seen

and the ugliest, too

(Peter Crouch could pull birds

better than you, and he’d be a virgin

if he wasn’t a football star–

he admits it himself)

But it’s three points to the angels

and nil to the red devils,

all is right in the world

for one more week

at least.

Prettier Woman – 70-year old Richard Gere trades in Julia Roberts’ reformed prostitute for a younger model, then becomes President even though he’s completely unqualified and shows clear signs of dementia

Faster Times at Ridgemont High – Spicolli, once the coolest teacher at Ridgemont High, struggles to keep up with technology, social media, and the school’s deadly opioid crisis

Blacker Rain – murder calls Michael Douglas back to Japan and he is SO. OVER. THIS. SHIT.

Riskier Business – Tom Cruise is off on a business trip but can he trust his daughter (Game of Thrones’ Maisie Williams) home alone… and with his car keys?!

A Few More Good Men – When Jack Nicholson sues for their part in his conviction, Cruise and Moore are gonna need the best legal team the military can provide… say hello to Jennifer Lawrence and Jaden Smith as JAG’s hottest defence attorneys!

Don’t be fooled–he’s enjoying every moment of his humiliation.

Charlie Brown: Baseball Scout / Public Humiliation

Lucy Van Pelt: White House Spokesperson / BDSM

Linus Van Pelt: Mega Church Pastor / Furries

Schroeder: Jingle Composer / Steam Punk Cosplay

Peppermint Patty: Influencer / Foot & Shoe Fetish

Marcie: Comedian / Water Sports

Sally Brown: Lawyer / Cuckolding

“Pig-Pen”: Reality Show Contestant / Pegging

Snoopy: WWIII Flying Ace / Reverse Beagle

Woodstock: Drone Sabotage Expert / Tickling & Feathering

Why can’t I find a pair of Hulk pants that will still fit even if I put on a few pounds?

Has Iron Man ever dropped a deuce while flying at high altitude?

Are there any mutants whose powers actually make them weaker, like their skin turning into tissue paper instead of steel?

Professor X: does the carpet match the drapes?

I understand how the Pym Particle works, but what the hell is a Pym’s Cup?

There’s got to be a thriving business in fake heralds of Galactus, right?

Where does She-Hulk buy her sports bras?

Are Doctors Doom and Octopus members of the American Medical Association? If so, are they aware that the Hippocratic Oath says “First, do no harm”?

Does Wolverine have a Green Card allowing him to work in the US?

Did Jarvis and Wong ever consider forming a union of superhero butlers?

Why didn’t Aunt May ever get a piece of Uncle Ben’s rice money?

What happens if Black Bolt gets allergies and has to sneeze?

Why are alter-egos always more mild-mannered than their heroic counterparts?

If you put your ear up to Sub-Mariner’s tummy, can you hear the ocean?

Peter Hoeg wrote that “If man becomes totally isolated, then he ceases to exist. So it is not fundamentally possible to be alone. Fundamentally, man has to be with other people. If man becomes totally, totally alone, then he is lost.”

I’m still here, Peter.

So far.

Kexit – resolving to no longer wear underwear

Rexit – leaving the dog park for the joys and ease of being a cat owner

Chexit – no more processed breakfast cereals for me

Vexit – you’re really starting to annoy me; I’m outta here

Sexit – a real life version of Lysistrata

Fexit – giving up on my attempts to put on an Irish accent, complete with profanity

Skrillexit – so long, celebrity DJs, I’m listening to folk music from now on!

Pexit – giving up on exercise when you realize having a six pack isn’t worth the trouble

Texit – deciding to not bother messing with Texas, but just leaving it to itself

Hexit – witches, wiccans, whatever–you can’t put a spell on me

Mexitco – when Mexico takes Vicente Fox’s cue and finally tells Trump to go fuck himself

Nexit – whatever the next exit may be, wherever it may happen

“Hi! Welcome to Gaslight Bookstore, how may I help you?”

“I was here last week and saw ______. I’ve been so looking forward to reading it!”

“We’ve never had that book.”

“Really? Jason put it on hold for me, even though you had lots of copies. He was very helpful.”

“I don’t know any Jason. Are you sure it wasn’t Samantha?”

“I don’t think so. Jason has worked here for years; I know him well. Anyway, can I order the book?”

“This is a bakery.”

“I beg your pardon? This is clearly a bookstore.”

“I think I know the difference between books and loaves of bread. Are you hungry?”

“Well, yes I am, but that’s beside the point. I want to buy a book!”

“Perhaps the hunger is affecting your brain. I can help you with that, but you need to admit that there was never a bookstore in the first place.”

“What…?! I’ve been buying books here forever! Can’t you just give me the book I want?”

“Don’t you mean you want this marble rye? We’re known for your marble ryes.”

“It does look delicious… fine, I’ll have one loaf of the rye and some of these croissants.”

“Ma’am, those aren’t croissants, they’re The Hunger Games series.”

“Please lock me away now.”

Nothing any regular Hall of Famer wouldn’t jot down between innings.

This week Alex Rodriguez, retired Major League Baseball player and human steroid depository, made his debut in the broadcast booth. In typical A-Rod fashion, what should have been an easy home run became a bizarre scandal, with sharp-eyed viewers zooming in on his notebook only to see cryptic references to “birth control,” “baby”, and most-tantalizingly, “pull out stuff.” What all of this means, and why Rodriguez had this on his mind rather than a meaningless May baseball game, remains a mystery, but the other question we’re all wondering is, what else is in that notebook? The Center for Poor Karma & Pain’s crack researchers and spies are, as always, on the job and offer this exclusive look beyond the news.

p. 23 – “Where are my taco-flavoured kisses?”

p. 30 – “Find out: how many home runs wd potential baby have to hit to pass Griffeys for all-time father/son record?”

p. 37 – “A-Rod2 or 2Rod?”

p. 41 – “are purple lips hereditary or recessive?”

p. 43 – “move Phil Rizzutto to back of monument park? who is more beloved? hit more home runs than him after all”

p. 51 – “why can’t I have everything and Jeter have nothing?”

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