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I’m going to come right out and say it, NDP–I’m worried about you.

It’s been at least four hours since I received an email or phone call from you asking for support.

Have your forgotten that we have an election battle coming up? This is a critical time, and every dollar helps!

I know you’re at a disadvantage to the Liberals and Doug Ford’s Progressive Conservatives. I’m not saying I can offer any more than I already do, but shouldn’t you continue to ask me, three to four times a day?

I assume Andrea Howarth is traveling all over the province with the good news of the NDP Dental Care Plan, giving hope to middle class Ontarians who haven’t had a lot to smile about after 15 years of Liberal mismanagement. But how can I know for sure, when I’ve been sitting at home all afternoon with not one update on her pre-campaign campaign?

C’mon NDP–I don’t have to hear from you every hour, but I just wanna know you’re there… for me.

Since Doug Ford decided to run for the leadership of the PC Party on January 29th, I’ve received at least one email from him or his supporters every day, even though the only reason I’m on his mailing list is that years ago I signed a petition to support the Toronto Public Library that was sent to his brother, then-Mayor Rob Ford. But Rob never cared that I wasn’t a supporter, so why should Doug? On Day 12 there’s an inkling that I might not be on his side, in the form of an email entitled “You are not a member”… but the emails have kept coming anyway, even though I never have nor never will be a PC Party member.

Doug’s emails might be written by Scribbler and Devoted Follower Joe Warmington, since they mirror his style of short, simple sentences, each of which is its own paragraph. In honour of whoever is behind Doug’s outreach, I’ve compiled the titles of all of the emails in order, which gives a sense of what any of the individual emails looks like. I call it the poetry of desperation.

It all ends with the most recent email (although I’m sure, not the last), one that I wholeheartedly agree with: “It’s time to stop.”

Doug Ford, please heed your own advice: it’s time to stop. Stop sending me emails, stop trying to be leader of the PC Party, and above all stop trying to outdo your father and your brother who, for all of their faults, were better people than you could ever hope to be, you unblinking, soulless narcissist.

 

DOUG FORD ENTERS RACE FOR LEADER OF THE ONTARIO PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVE PARTY

Join us for a Rally for a Stronger Ontario!

I need your help

I need your help

The hard truth

This is nuts

The plan

It’s about winning

Six days

Education

Let’s get it right

You are not a member

Support Doug at the debate!

Welfare for politicians

Broken government

RE: I agree with Doug

Tax tax tax!

Deadline today

Grassroots vs. the media

Tough times

We haven’t won yet

A small deficit?

Tiny little deficit!

Listening to the grassroots

Fighting for our members

It’s time to stop

V for Gra-V Train

V for Gra-V Train

I get the impression that if Mayor Rob Ford watched any movies besides Cobra he’d fundamentally misunderstand the point anyway. He’d watch V for Vendetta and imagine himself and the Progressive Conservatives in the role of V, with the climactic scene of 10,000 V-masked protesters finally taking a stand against their unfeeling and repressive government reimagined as Ford Nation in Rob masks descending on City Hall to put an end to the Gravy Train.

Or picture this: a brutal general asks “Who is Rob Ford?” and one by one the beaten-down masses rise up and declare, “I’m Rob Ford!” “No, I’m Rob Ford!!”

Doug Ford would sympathize with Anakin Skywalker, slaughtering the young Jedi padawans, all for the greater good, and to protect the neighbourhood.

Overheating is apparent based on the reddening epidermis and wisps of smoke emanating from aural ports.

Overheating of the DougFordBot unit is apparent based on reddening epidermis and wisps of smoke emanating from aural ports.

Despite being created and bankrolled by Canada’s very own Kennedy clan, the Fords of Etobicoke, DougFordBot 2000 has been showing clear signs that something is wrong. Whether a hardware issue or faulty programming, the sophisticated robot millionaire/non-politician appears to be seriously malfunctioning, and endangering itself and everyone around it.

The evidence includes:

  • a subprogram is leaving uncomfortable and inhuman delays between each blink of the eyes
  • attack mode target has switched from “gravy train” and “lie-berals” to “Chief of Police”
  • “Let me ask you a question, Jackson Proskow of Earth… zzzzt! Global News.”
  • the Third Law of Robotics (“A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law”) has somehow been overwritten to replace “existence” with “FordFamily” with the part about “does not conflict” disappearing altogether
  • DougFordBot 2000 has started to believe that it was self-made and owes its wealth and privilege to its own efforts alone

Attempts at taking DougFordBot 2000 offline and initiating repairs have so far been unsuccessful because the unit has constantly placed itself in front of the media, making a discrete reboot impossible.

Toronto is still eight months away from the start of the long 2014 election campaign–although if you listen to the Mayor and his brother you’d be excused for thinking we’ve been in the middle of an election for the past six months–and yet the issues that will likely dominate already seem to be coalescing. Here is a sneak preview of what will be on every candidate’s lips in less than a year:

  • Subways, subways, subways
  • No one has done more for _____ than _____
  • Taxes, taxes, taxes
  • At the end of the day, Toronto needs _____, not _____
  • Efficiencies, folks, efficiencies
  • Casinos, casinos, casinos
  • These damn streetcars clogging up our streets
  • Jets, jets, jets
  • The people can’t afford the things that the people are demanding that they want
  • Respect, respect, respect

I don’t know about you, but if you’re like Rob Ford and hate the actual business of governing, and can’t wait for this session of City Council to be over and the election season of strident name-calling, empty catchphrases and soon-to-be-broken promises to begin, 2014 can’t come soon enough!

“My defence is that you’re all liars.”

“That never happened, and if it did, it was because I was drunk.”

“The kids!”

“The football players!!”

“The black football players!!!”

“Folks…”

“It’s not a conflict if I never understood the rules in the first place.”

“Err, Doug, maybe you shouldn’t… <sigh>”

“I do not understand math.”

“________? I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

“Do you wanna step outside?”

The future of transit for Toronto?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is taking his campaign to keep transit off surface routes to a new extreme, as he’s started to talk about replacing and upgrading the ferries that service the Toronto Islands. Concerned about an ongoing “war on the boat,” the Mayor has vowed that any new transportation to the Islands must be below the surface.

“I’m doing what the taxpayers want. They want submarines, that’s it. They don’t want ferries. I was out on Ward’s Island over the weekend, people came up to me and said, they want submarines. That’s it.

“It’s the taxpayers. The taxpayers want… I was elected on subways, they want submarines, they both start with ‘sub’… I was out on Saturday, people want submarines. That’s it.

“It’s all submarines. It’s all about submarines.”

Asked to clarify his belief that the Islands would be better served by underwater transit, despite the enormous cost, not to mention the environmental risk involved, with nuclear submarines being the preferred option, Mayor Ford continued:

“All about submarines. So, it’s the taxpayers that elected me to get the submarines in and that’s what we’re going to do.

“It’s like winning an election. So if they voted me in, that means [stutters a bit] I don’t win an election? It doesn’t make sense.”

The Mayor’s insistence on submarine transit to the popular destination has not won universal approval, even amongst his most ardent supporters. Councillor Doug Ford, the Mayor’s brother and closest advisor, prefers an underwater monorail, while Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti supports the submarine plan, but only if the vessels are armed with pink-coloured torpedoes, a nod to his own plans to set up legalized brothels on Centre Island.

"And in the time remaining, I'd like to talk about... Da Bears."

Everyone in Toronto knows that Etobicoke councillor Doug Ford is a huge football fan, just like Mayor Rob Ford. The brothers have made no secret of their desire to lure an NFL team to Toronto, and Super Bowl Sunday is famously their favourite day of the year. But after last weekend’s exciting game between the New York Giants and the New England Patriots, Doug is surprising many by launching a campaign to overturn the results of the game, a 21-17 triumph by the Giants.

While insisting that the NFL is supreme, a group of Etobicoke councillors led by Mr. Ford is attempting an end-run around last week’s result, sending a letter to Commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to allow the Bears to be declared the winner of the game. This is the latest gambit in Ford’s strategy to find respect for the Bears, who play in the US city that he calls his second home. The Bears did not make the playoffs, let alone play in the Super Bowl, which Mr. Ford calls “a real shit-slap in the face to all the hard-working taxpayers of Chicago.” He’s paying for the lobbying effort–which he calls SOB or “Save Our Bears”–out of his own deep, daddy-provided pockets.

“It’s really incredible that he’s trying to make the results of the Super Bowl, the supreme deciding force in football, irrelevant,” said Councillor Joe Mihevc, a left-leaning opponent of the Mayor and his brother, as well as a better judge of football talent, based on his record of defeating the Mayor in the Council football pool this past season. “But I will say one thing, SOB is a great name for this thing–it suits Doug to a T.”

For his part, Mr. Ford counters that “The recent decision by the NFL to move ahead with awarding the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Giants poses a number of concerns.”

The letter to Goodell added that heroics by Giants quarterback Eli Manning at last Sunday’s Super Bowl “reversed the direction” of a March, 2011, memorandum of understanding between the NFC, AFC, Commissioner’s office, and football fans that “the Giants are a bunch of East Coast, latte-sipping elitists.”

Reached for comment, Commissioner Goodell said that the memorandum of understanding was “non-binding” and required the Bears to actually make the playoffs. Mr. Goodell indicated last week that the winner of the Super Bowl has to be one of the teams playing in the game.

During Tuesday’s press conference announcing his challenge, Mr. Ford’s allies briefly debated the question of whether their gambit was consistent with football tradition. “I respect the game of football,” said Mr. Ford. “But football has to start respecting the fact that the Bears rule.”

The Imaginarium of Doctor Douglas Ford

After stunning Toronto with his plans to upend years of careful planning by Waterfront Toronto and replace it with a heretofore unseen “vision” of his own, rookie City Councillor Doug Ford has signalled that he’s not through… not by a long shot.

“I promised everyone that jaws would drop when they saw these plans, didn’t I?” an excited Ford said when reached by phone. “It’s a good thing we decided to take those nurses from the province, because instead of fighting bed bugs we used ’em to reattach all the dropped jaws! But if anyone thinks that a mega-mall, sail-in luxury hotel, and an emerald necklace is all I’ve got, then they don’t know Doug Ford!” adding, “I’ve crapped bigger visions than those Waterfront Toronto yahoos!”

He was quick to stress that his plan for the Port Lands was not a hasty, back-of-the-napkin dream: “No no no–I’ve been working on this for months and the idea that I sketched out a monorail and ferris wheel on a napkin is simply ridiculous. I own a label company; there’s a metric shit tonne of real high quality paper at my disposal. You don’t get this kind of quality Power Point slide show wet dream over a five-beer lunch… you get it by meeting in secret with foreign big-wigs over many months.” Asked why the meetings with Westfield Group were hidden from the public, Ford replied “Duh! So the commies don’t get ahold of the plans and mess them up!”

Councillor Ford’s other ideas for Toronto’s waterfront include:

– Separated bike lanes (already approved by Council) will be revealed to spell out “FORD NATION” when seen from the top of the world’s biggest ferris wheel

– Like in the 1970s dystopian science fiction film classic Logan’s Run, the Port Lands will be covered by a protective dome, in order to keep out the chilly Lake Ontario winds during the winter. Also like Logan’s Run, residents will have a light implanted in their palm that will begin flashing when they’ve outstayed their welcome, to better enable private security firms to track them down.

– Instead of renaturalizing the mouth of the Don River, Ford’s plan calls for a park that will double as a spillway and run south through the Port Lands. Pundits are already calling this feature “The Doug-Out”

– The Port Lands will be connected to the rest of Toronto by a single bridge that can be destroyed in case of zombie infestation. If the Port Lands are infected, this will keep the zombies safely at bay. If the city, province, or country are infected, see protective dome above

Rob Ford braves the sunlight in order to push his Moleman-centric agenda on unsuspecting Elven Lord Dalton McGuinty

With his musings about building a car tunnel under the Gardiner Expressway, Toronto Councillor Doug Ford has once again demonstrated his devotion to the idea of moving transit and commuting underground, and clearly indicated his allegiance to the larger moleman agenda. Along with his brother, actual Mayor Rob Ford, Doug was instrumental in moving the crosstown Eglinton LRT (Light Rail Transit) below ground, at tremendously-increased cost compared to the original plan, which called for construction aboveground, in the sun and fresh air where normal humans thrive. In addition the brothers, whose predilection for squinting when exposed to any form of natural light should not be ignored, have been advocating for a private-public plan to build an extension to the Sheppard subway line, and claim that it can be built at no cost to taxpayers by leveraging development fees. The mayor also says he will not use road trolls to build the expansion, though the man he hired to find funding has been touting it as an option: “The people I’ve spoken to don’t want road trolls; they’re smelly and I don’t trust them. They punish hard-working families, sometimes by making their children into gravy. It’s time to stop the gravy-train.”

“I ran on a promise to build subways, and that’s what I’m going to do… they’re ours and we wants ’em! Everything is better underground… I absolutely love the PATH system, which allows me to travel between City Hall and the Air Canada Centre without once going outside,” explained the Mayor, his pale skin a clear indication of his avoidance of daylight. “That way I can avoid the harsh glare of the sun–it burns! it burns!–to say nothing of public scrutiny.”

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