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Prettier Woman – 70-year old Richard Gere trades in Julia Roberts’ reformed prostitute for a younger model, then becomes President even though he’s completely unqualified and shows clear signs of dementia

Faster Times at Ridgemont High – Spicolli, once the coolest teacher at Ridgemont High, struggles to keep up with technology, social media, and the school’s deadly opioid crisis

Blacker Rain – murder calls Michael Douglas back to Japan and he is SO. OVER. THIS. SHIT.

Riskier Business – Tom Cruise is off on a business trip but can he trust his daughter (Game of Thrones’ Maisie Williams) home alone… and with his car keys?!

A Few More Good Men – When Jack Nicholson sues for their part in his conviction, Cruise and Moore are gonna need the best legal team the military can provide… say hello to Jennifer Lawrence and Jaden Smith as JAG’s hottest defence attorneys!

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Why can’t I find a pair of Hulk pants that will still fit even if I put on a few pounds?

Has Iron Man ever dropped a deuce while flying at high altitude?

Are there any mutants whose powers actually make them weaker, like their skin turning into tissue paper instead of steel?

Professor X: does the carpet match the drapes?

I understand how the Pym Particle works, but what the hell is a Pym’s Cup?

There’s got to be a thriving business in fake heralds of Galactus, right?

Where does She-Hulk buy her sports bras?

Are Doctors Doom and Octopus members of the American Medical Association? If so, are they aware that the Hippocratic Oath says “First, do no harm”?

Does Wolverine have a Green Card allowing him to work in the US?

Did Jarvis and Wong ever consider forming a union of superhero butlers?

Why didn’t Aunt May ever get a piece of Uncle Ben’s rice money?

What happens if Black Bolt gets allergies and has to sneeze?

Why are alter-egos always more mild-mannered than their heroic counterparts?

If you put your ear up to Sub-Mariner’s tummy, can you hear the ocean?

Nothing any regular Hall of Famer wouldn’t jot down between innings.

This week Alex Rodriguez, retired Major League Baseball player and human steroid depository, made his debut in the broadcast booth. In typical A-Rod fashion, what should have been an easy home run became a bizarre scandal, with sharp-eyed viewers zooming in on his notebook only to see cryptic references to “birth control,” “baby”, and most-tantalizingly, “pull out stuff.” What all of this means, and why Rodriguez had this on his mind rather than a meaningless May baseball game, remains a mystery, but the other question we’re all wondering is, what else is in that notebook? The Center for Poor Karma & Pain’s crack researchers and spies are, as always, on the job and offer this exclusive look beyond the news.

p. 23 – “Where are my taco-flavoured kisses?”

p. 30 – “Find out: how many home runs wd potential baby have to hit to pass Griffeys for all-time father/son record?”

p. 37 – “A-Rod2 or 2Rod?”

p. 41 – “are purple lips hereditary or recessive?”

p. 43 – “move Phil Rizzutto to back of monument park? who is more beloved? hit more home runs than him after all”

p. 51 – “why can’t I have everything and Jeter have nothing?”

"Oh look over there! Canadian values!"

“Oh look over there! Canadian values!”

Oh, Kellie Leitch, you strange, unique, visionary xenophobe. I’ve been watching your video today. You know the one; everyone’s talking about it, and they’re not saying anything nice. In my favourite riff on this thing that you’ve unleashed on the world and that you no doubt believe is true and moving, someone has slowed it down by 40%, making you appear to talk like someone’s drunk aunt. And maybe that’s exactly what you are–no judgements here, because that would be mean and a barbaric cultural practice.

Kellie, you’ve been around for quite a while now, beating your drum about how Canada needs to have face-to-face interviews with every immigrant, refugee–and now you’re apparently adding visitors to that list?!–to screen for Canadian values. Do you have any other policies that the mainstream media isn’t reporting on because it’s fixated on this one batshit crazy one? I understand that you’re trying to carve out a space for yourself amongst too many candidates for the Conservative Party leadership, but won’t you need other ideas when you become Prime Minister? (By the way, it’s totally adorable that you think you’ll ever be Prime Minister, and please keep on saying you will be at every opportunity… I hope it’s the first thing you say when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you say before you drift off to sleep, perchance to dream about being Prime Minister, which as I said, is never going to happen.)

But Kellie, I notice you never really say–beyond meaningless buzz words and platitudes–what the Canadian values you hold so dear are. And so I’m here to help. Please feel free to use any or all of the following as examples of Canadian values.

  • Rolling up the rim
  • Knowing which parts of Alberta where it’s safe to cheer for the Oilers
  • How to correctly pronounce “about”
  • This Hour Has 22 Minutes used to be funnier
  • Feeling inferior to Americans while using humour to pretend we’re not
  • Margaret Atwood is a goddamn national treasure
  • Knowing that Windsor, ON is at the same latitude as Northern California
  • Canada has the real Niagara Falls
  • “50 Mission Cap” is the ultimate Tragically Hip song; “Wheat Kings” is also acceptable
  • Our beer is better than American beer
  • Knowing whether to vote for Kellie Leitch

Those are the values all real Canadians possess. Oh, and the last one? Real Canadians know the answer to that, too.

That's about the size of it...

That’s about the size of it…

As Donald Trump attempts to put questions about President Barack Obama’s birthplace behind him, another controversy, this time about Trump himself, is starting to gain attention. And like so many other questions about the Republican Presidential candidate, from his sewer rat’s nest hair-do to his inexplicably orange skin to his tiny baby hands, this one has to do with his body: in this case, his penis, and specifically its girth, or more properly its lack of girth.

If the rumours about Trump’s penis that are starting to become more than the whispers that have long-circulated in New York, Miss Universe pageants, Atlantic City, and Trump family reunions are being spoken out loud more and more frequently, Mr. Trump has only himself to blame. By constantly talking about his sexual conquests, both in and out of marriage, he has surely courted this controversy: women are happy to put unsatisfying sexual experiences behind them and be discrete, especially when it comes to the physical deficiencies of sexual partners, and that’s even more true when it comes to self-aggrandizing, shit-heel billionaires. But Trump insisted on airing his dirty laundry in public, and it’s no surprise that discussion eventually turned to his tighty-whities and how they were never particularly full.

At the same time, his inability to allow the snarky comments about his small hands pass without comment led ex-partners to compare notes and reporters to connect the dots. (You know what they say about men with small hands.) Trump is notoriously thin-skinned when it comes to criticism of himself, and more and more talk is centering on his equally thin-skinned penis, which rumours indicate is of average length, but exceedingly small in circumference, or in common parlance, “girth.”

The small but growing (which cannot be said about Trump’s penis, according to one ex-girlfriend: “It’s just small”) “girther” movement is demanding assurances from the Trump campaign that his penis is of at least average American girth, while criticizing the so-called “lengthers” who are focused on its length. “We in the Republican Party, and others who want to Make America Great Again, are not concerned about penis length,” claims a spokesman, “because we know that our diversity is our strength. The important thing is that the President has a penis, whatever length it happens to be. But it would just make all of us more comfortable to know that The Donald’s packing something substantial. Americans of all colours and lengths know that Hillary Clinton and the Democrats are not the answer to solving our problems. I mean, she doesn’t even have a penis!”

For his part, Trump insists that he has “tremendous girth, beautiful girth, it’s quite something… I can barely fit my hand around it, not that I need to masturbate, I have my pick of gorgeous women… believe me, there’s no issue down there!” When asked to have the distance between his ring finger and thumb measured, however, the candidate demurred, saying that he couldn’t allow that since he was under audit.

"Not so tough without your arrows, are you big guy?"

“Not so tough without your arrows, are you big guy?”

Green Arrow – duck a lot and wait him out; he only has so many arrows. Then punch him.

Aqua Man – first, kill all of the creatures of the oceans so he has no allies, then kill him.

Wonder Woman – she’s a sucker for masculine wiles, so just make her fall in love with you.

Hawkeye – see Green Arrow

"This desk is yuge!"

“This desk is yuge!”

 

“We’re going to build that wall and make the Mexicans pay for it and when they won’t we’re going to go down to the parking lot and wrassle up some labourers and put guns in their hands and make ’em fight the Mexicans. Think of the ratings!”

“Ugh, that Queen Elizabeth sure ain’t no Melania. Look at that face! Would you pledge allegiance to that?”

“Whaddaya mean you won’t sign the treaty? It’s got the best words!”

“Public enemy number one: Megyn Kelly.”

“We’re gonna work the word ‘classy’ somewhere into the Star-Spangled Banner.”

“Announcing the new judging nomination process: Supreme Court Apprentice.”

“Immediate rendition to Guantánamo for anyone making fun of my hair or tiny hands.”

After months of writing and editing and rewriting, my first book is finally done, and available to purchase online!

What I (Don't) Know About Every Country in the World

What I (Don’t) Know About Every Country in the World

“There are 193 countries on Earth and Robert James Bell knows something about all of them. This brilliant, maddening, and all-too-often stupid exploration of the world’s nations artfully combines history, geography, sociology, and prevarication to provide insight into our global neighbours that is essential for travelers or anyone who wants to be a better person. Yes, you.”

“This is a very foolish book, apparently written by an idiot.” —Simon Winchester

“I couldn’t decide whether to put it in geography or humour, so in the end I just didn’t order it.” —Chief Buyer, Globo Books

“It brings the entire field of human knowledge into disrepute.” —National Geographic

“When in doubt, assume it’s a dick joke.” –the Author

Overheating is apparent based on the reddening epidermis and wisps of smoke emanating from aural ports.

Overheating of the DougFordBot unit is apparent based on reddening epidermis and wisps of smoke emanating from aural ports.

Despite being created and bankrolled by Canada’s very own Kennedy clan, the Fords of Etobicoke, DougFordBot 2000 has been showing clear signs that something is wrong. Whether a hardware issue or faulty programming, the sophisticated robot millionaire/non-politician appears to be seriously malfunctioning, and endangering itself and everyone around it.

The evidence includes:

  • a subprogram is leaving uncomfortable and inhuman delays between each blink of the eyes
  • attack mode target has switched from “gravy train” and “lie-berals” to “Chief of Police”
  • “Let me ask you a question, Jackson Proskow of Earth… zzzzt! Global News.”
  • the Third Law of Robotics (“A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law”) has somehow been overwritten to replace “existence” with “FordFamily” with the part about “does not conflict” disappearing altogether
  • DougFordBot 2000 has started to believe that it was self-made and owes its wealth and privilege to its own efforts alone

Attempts at taking DougFordBot 2000 offline and initiating repairs have so far been unsuccessful because the unit has constantly placed itself in front of the media, making a discrete reboot impossible.

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