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Q: Why isn’t Björk allowed to be a tennis judge?
A: She doesn’t believe deuce exists.
Q: What’s Tony Soprano’s favourite Hallowe’en treat?
A: Gaba-ghoul.
This review was originally published in the University of Toronto Bookstore Review in 2008.
For those too young to remember Steve Martin much before his work in such pedestrian Hollywood fare as Cheaper by the Dozen and Bringing Down the House, it may be difficult to imagine what a huge and innovative force he was in American comedy in the 1970s and 80s. At the time, Martin not only broke new ground in stand-up comedy, he stomped all over it and marked it as his own unique territory–giving it, in the words of his wild-and-crazy persona, his “own individual odour.” Born Standing Up, Martin’s entertaining memoir of the path that led him to become the most successful stand-up comedian of his day, acts as a reminder of just how strange, funny, and wonderful Steve Martin once was.
Steve (I take licence to address him intimately, as per the approved response to his opening-bit cry of “Hi, Crimestoppers!”, which was and will always be “Hi, Steve!”, forever granting his fans the boon of using his first name) occupies a special place in my comedic upbringing: his best-selling album A Wild and Crazy Guy was one of the few records my family owned, and I would come to listen to it innumerable times over the years. Certain portions were deemed too naughty for my tender ears and were censored by turning the stereo down just in time for me to miss the punchline. (Forbidden fruit is so tempting, and without a doubt this censorship only fuelled my interest in hearing more Steve… ideally without adults or siblings there to spoil the fun.) Steve himself would acknowledge the taboo side of his comedy when he told audiences that he did his act for his parents only after “taking out the dirty parts.” In truth, he was a cerebral comedian and rarely lurid: inspiration was as likely to come from Jack Benny as Ludwig Wittgenstein. Steve writes that the philosopher’s investigations “disallowed so many types of philosophical discussions that we were convinced the very discussion we were having was impossible. Soon I felt that a career in the irrational world of creativity not only made sense but had moral purpose.” I’d lay odds that not many comedians have rationalized their careers through philosophy. This breadth of range may not be the reason I was drawn to Steve’s comedy in the first place, but it is what has kept me coming back to it.
Steve didn’t follow trends and urged his audience to do the same by repeating The Non-Comformist Oath: “I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say!” There were always a few audience members who didn’t get the joke in time and would mindlessly repeat every word. His stand-up routine was like no other, and was crafted through years of hard work and constant touring: “I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a by-product. The course was more plodding than heroic: I did not strive valiantly against doubters but took incremental steps studded with a few intuitive leaps. I was not naturally talented–I didn’t sing, dance, or act–though working around that minor detail made me inventive.”
Steve spent a decade toiling in relative obscurity before becoming an overnight sensation, finding himself suddenly thrust from small clubs to 10,000-seat arenas. His comedy, which relied so heavily on timing and small gestures, had to serve venues where for many in the audience he was a tiny dot in the distance. This led him, at the peak of his success, to walk away from comedy suddenly and decisively in 1981. He had come to a realization: “over the last few years I had lost contact with what I was doing, and I was suffering an artistic crisis that I didn’t know I had a capacity for.” He would never return to stand-up.
If it’s true that there ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a clown, Steve proves it with this book, and that is its real and unexpected strength: not just a funny book by a funny man, Born Standing Up lays bare a life off the stage that was at turns sad, neurotic, and lonely. Growing up, his home life was as tense as so many others were behind the happy facade of 1950s America, and it was punctuated by a single violent outburst that forever coloured his relationship with his father. After telling this story, Steve closes the chapter: “I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.” His dedication to his career estranged the comedian from both parents and his sister, a divide that continued until he decided well into adulthood (and fame) to try to reconnect. Drugs and their abuse, a topic of his comedy, turn out to have been almost a non-factor in reality–at least after a bad trip left him with panic attacks that continued to plague him for years after he swore off drugs. And contrary to the notion that celebrities lead hedonistic lives filled with ready sex, Steve exhibits a certain reticence, exemplified by this story about Linda Ronstadt: “Linda and I saw each other for a while, but I was so intimidated by her talent and street smarts that, after the ninth date, she finally said, ‘Steve, do you often date girls and not try to sleep with them?’ We parted chaste.” What emerges from the book are the details of the complex man behind the jokes, a complexity that any fan could have guessed at, but is only now able to understand more fully.
Steve Martin writes with remarkable candour about the creative process and about his own life, making his memoir an extremely pleasurable, affecting, and funny read. Born Standing Up will be highly rewarding not only for fans of his comedy, but for those interested in the behind-the-scenes struggles of artistic creation as well.
Some observations on the game of baseball in Peanuts.
- SP – Charlie Brown
- C – Schroeder
- 1B – Shermy
- 2B – Linus
- 3B – Pig-Pen
- SS – Snoopy
- LF – Violet
- CF – Patty or Frieda
- RF – Lucy
- RP – Linus
Everyone rags on Charlie Brown for being a terrible pitcher, but what kind of a game is Schroeder calling behind the plate?
Lucy can throw well, but she can’t catch, whereas I can’t do either well, and would be riding the bench on this team.
Linus and Snoopy, the double-play combo, are by far the best players on the team… when they’re paying attention.
Despite the team’s reputation as losers, they’ve actually won games… just never when Charlie Brown has been playing.
This ought to be a TV commercial.
I was sitting at the bar of the Celtic Hearth on Water Street in St. John’s, Newfoundland watching the game when a retired couple came in and sat beside me. The gentleman asked for a Guinness and was shocked to hear they didn’t have it, but rather Kilkenny.
Surprising that they didn’t, but moreso that they usually do but were somehow out, and most surprising that this wasn’t the first bar on the strip he’d asked after a Guinness, only to be denied. He turned to me and asked could I believe it? His people had settled the damn place and they didn’t have Guinness?
Where are you from? I asked. Originally Ireland but lately Sudbury. We talked a bit about the footie and then he left, off on his appallingly quixotic search for Guinness in a city more Irish than Ireland.
Upgrade security and access at schools to the level of government buildings and police stations
Monitor the social media of all students
Arm teachers and/or surround schools with retired soldiers with guns (or even just random “good guys with guns”)
Send President Trump in alone to take care of things
Arm students
Thoughts and prayers
Buckets of rocks by classroom doors to throw at shooters
Hope that a teacher or another student throws themselves in front of the bullets
Raise the age to purchase rifles to 21
*according to people who don’t really want to do anything that will actually change things or save lives
Prettier Woman – 70-year old Richard Gere trades in Julia Roberts’ reformed prostitute for a younger model, then becomes President even though he’s completely unqualified and shows clear signs of dementia
Faster Times at Ridgemont High – Spicolli, once the coolest teacher at Ridgemont High, struggles to keep up with technology, social media, and the school’s deadly opioid crisis
Blacker Rain – murder calls Michael Douglas back to Japan and he is SO. OVER. THIS. SHIT.
Riskier Business – Tom Cruise is off on a business trip but can he trust his daughter (Game of Thrones’ Maisie Williams) home alone… and with his car keys?!
A Few More Good Men – When Jack Nicholson sues for their part in his conviction, Cruise and Moore are gonna need the best legal team the military can provide… say hello to Jennifer Lawrence and Jaden Smith as JAG’s hottest defence attorneys!
Why can’t I find a pair of Hulk pants that will still fit even if I put on a few pounds?
Has Iron Man ever dropped a deuce while flying at high altitude?
Are there any mutants whose powers actually make them weaker, like their skin turning into tissue paper instead of steel?
Professor X: does the carpet match the drapes?
I understand how the Pym Particle works, but what the hell is a Pym’s Cup?
There’s got to be a thriving business in fake heralds of Galactus, right?
Where does She-Hulk buy her sports bras?
Are Doctors Doom and Octopus members of the American Medical Association? If so, are they aware that the Hippocratic Oath says “First, do no harm”?
Does Wolverine have a Green Card allowing him to work in the US?
Did Jarvis and Wong ever consider forming a union of superhero butlers?
Why didn’t Aunt May ever get a piece of Uncle Ben’s rice money?
What happens if Black Bolt gets allergies and has to sneeze?
Why are alter-egos always more mild-mannered than their heroic counterparts?
If you put your ear up to Sub-Mariner’s tummy, can you hear the ocean?
Nothing any regular Hall of Famer wouldn’t jot down between innings.
This week Alex Rodriguez, retired Major League Baseball player and human steroid depository, made his debut in the broadcast booth. In typical A-Rod fashion, what should have been an easy home run became a bizarre scandal, with sharp-eyed viewers zooming in on his notebook only to see cryptic references to “birth control,” “baby”, and most-tantalizingly, “pull out stuff.” What all of this means, and why Rodriguez had this on his mind rather than a meaningless May baseball game, remains a mystery, but the other question we’re all wondering is, what else is in that notebook? The Center for Poor Karma & Pain’s crack researchers and spies are, as always, on the job and offer this exclusive look beyond the news.
p. 23 – “Where are my taco-flavoured kisses?”
p. 30 – “Find out: how many home runs wd potential baby have to hit to pass Griffeys for all-time father/son record?”
p. 37 – “A-Rod2 or 2Rod?”
p. 41 – “are purple lips hereditary or recessive?”
p. 43 – “move Phil Rizzutto to back of monument park? who is more beloved? hit more home runs than him after all”
p. 51 – “why can’t I have everything and Jeter have nothing?”
Center for Poor Karma & Pain 