You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Donald Trump’ tag.

“And now a few words from my dick…”

Today President Donald Trump leaves on his first official foreign trip since being fraudulently elected by an archaic system and with the help of Russian hacking. He’ll be visiting Vatican City, Saudi Arabia, and Israel and will be taking his teddy bear and night light since he doesn’t like not sleeping in his own bed. Trump is no doubt hoping for a respite from unending witch hunts at home, even though everyone including his enemies agree that he’s doing an amazing job and has all the best words, really.

What can we expect from the trip to the centres of Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism? Reports have surfaced of Trump’s wishlist for activities, although the feasibility of some has already been questioned. Here, from unnamed sources <cough, Comey! cough> is the President’s Holy Land(s) bucket list:

  • Take the Popemobile out for a spin in St. Peter’s Square; if possible, do some donuts
  • Land a helicopter on Masada, proving that the US Army is better than Rome’s
  • Kiss the Black Stone at the Kaaba, to get the “gift of the grab”
  • Solve the Arab-Israeli problem, if time allows also bring peace to entire Middle East
  • Pick up one of those Pope hats at the Vatican gift shop
  • Take that oil
  • Make a deal to build a hotel on Palestinian land, probably
  • Find out how Michelangelo painted all that stuff even though he’s just a turtle
  • Kiss Benjamin Netanyahu right on the lips
  • Have some protestors beat up, like that Erdogan guy did in Washington
  • Send postcards to Michael Flynn, a really great guy
  • Cause at least one international incident every day
  • Tweet out locations of Israel’s nuclear weapons
  • Make joke about how he hasn’t seen a sand trap this big since golfing at the beautiful Trump Mar-a-Lago course
  • Find out where the Vatican hides all its women; grab their pussies
  • Put ketchup on hummus
That's about the size of it...

That’s about the size of it…

As Donald Trump attempts to put questions about President Barack Obama’s birthplace behind him, another controversy, this time about Trump himself, is starting to gain attention. And like so many other questions about the Republican Presidential candidate, from his sewer rat’s nest hair-do to his inexplicably orange skin to his tiny baby hands, this one has to do with his body: in this case, his penis, and specifically its girth, or more properly its lack of girth.

If the rumours about Trump’s penis that are starting to become more than the whispers that have long-circulated in New York, Miss Universe pageants, Atlantic City, and Trump family reunions are being spoken out loud more and more frequently, Mr. Trump has only himself to blame. By constantly talking about his sexual conquests, both in and out of marriage, he has surely courted this controversy: women are happy to put unsatisfying sexual experiences behind them and be discrete, especially when it comes to the physical deficiencies of sexual partners, and that’s even more true when it comes to self-aggrandizing, shit-heel billionaires. But Trump insisted on airing his dirty laundry in public, and it’s no surprise that discussion eventually turned to his tighty-whities and how they were never particularly full.

At the same time, his inability to allow the snarky comments about his small hands pass without comment led ex-partners to compare notes and reporters to connect the dots. (You know what they say about men with small hands.) Trump is notoriously thin-skinned when it comes to criticism of himself, and more and more talk is centering on his equally thin-skinned penis, which rumours indicate is of average length, but exceedingly small in circumference, or in common parlance, “girth.”

The small but growing (which cannot be said about Trump’s penis, according to one ex-girlfriend: “It’s just small”) “girther” movement is demanding assurances from the Trump campaign that his penis is of at least average American girth, while criticizing the so-called “lengthers” who are focused on its length. “We in the Republican Party, and others who want to Make America Great Again, are not concerned about penis length,” claims a spokesman, “because we know that our diversity is our strength. The important thing is that the President has a penis, whatever length it happens to be. But it would just make all of us more comfortable to know that The Donald’s packing something substantial. Americans of all colours and lengths know that Hillary Clinton and the Democrats are not the answer to solving our problems. I mean, she doesn’t even have a penis!”

For his part, Trump insists that he has “tremendous girth, beautiful girth, it’s quite something… I can barely fit my hand around it, not that I need to masturbate, I have my pick of gorgeous women… believe me, there’s no issue down there!” When asked to have the distance between his ring finger and thumb measured, however, the candidate demurred, saying that he couldn’t allow that since he was under audit.

"This desk is yuge!"

“This desk is yuge!”

 

“We’re going to build that wall and make the Mexicans pay for it and when they won’t we’re going to go down to the parking lot and wrassle up some labourers and put guns in their hands and make ’em fight the Mexicans. Think of the ratings!”

“Ugh, that Queen Elizabeth sure ain’t no Melania. Look at that face! Would you pledge allegiance to that?”

“Whaddaya mean you won’t sign the treaty? It’s got the best words!”

“Public enemy number one: Megyn Kelly.”

“We’re gonna work the word ‘classy’ somewhere into the Star-Spangled Banner.”

“Announcing the new judging nomination process: Supreme Court Apprentice.”

“Immediate rendition to Guantánamo for anyone making fun of my hair or tiny hands.”

I’m in the process of writing a book called What I (Don’t) Know About Every Country in the World and I thought I’d offer a taste of what’s to come.

In 1983, Donald Trump purchased the country of Togo for $100,000. The real estate tycoon was under the impression that he was buying a toga for a party. Exactly why Trump failed to understand that $100,000 was an exhorbitant price for a toga, or why the citizens of Togo approved of the sale of their country for such a paltry sum, is unknown to this day. But it does explain why the government meets in the Trump National Assembly and Casino Resort in Lome. Years later, a similar mix-up was avoided when Trump, experiencing one of his periodic cash flow problems, saw his $2.5 million cheque–for what he must have assumed were an exquisite pair of tongs–bounce, saving the island nation of Tonga from having to place its crown on Trump’s unfortunate hair.

Contrary to the belief in some (stoned) classic rock circles, Argentina is not named after Rod Argent, either for his contributions of such songs as “She’s Not There” or “Time of the Season” as a member of The Zombies, or for his solo hit “Hold Your Head Up.” No one in Argentina, however, is crying for Argent, who may not be immortal, but is, by all accounts, a man who keeps his promises, a highly-valued trait in the South American country.

Well, you get the picture, I hope. More to come, of course–there are a lot of countries in the world, and I may not limit myself to current or even real countries. Please let me know what you think!

Flickr Photos

Cow-a-bunga

Highland Cattle chowing down

Jealous of that hair...

Name that baby capybara!

The World's Largest Rodents

More Photos

Twitter Updates

  • Can we get a Royal Commission on why there are so few karaoke versions of Canadian songs? #Canada150 4 days ago
  • I either dessicate or drown plants, there is no in-between. 1 week ago
  • Facebook but for people who can actually keep a discussion going for more than 1/2 day 2 weeks ago
  • iPhone tried to autocorrect "SkyDome" to "Rogers Centre" and I was like hells no! 2 weeks ago
  • Not being funny has never stopped Kathy Griffin from being a famous comedian, but *now* she's gone too far?! 3 weeks ago

Blog Stats

  • 84,074 hits

Pages

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 94 other followers