You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘USA’ tag.

Upgrade security and access at schools to the level of government buildings and police stations

Monitor the social media of all students

Arm teachers and/or surround schools with retired soldiers with guns (or even just random “good guys with guns”)

Send President Trump in alone to take care of things

Arm students

Thoughts and prayers

Buckets of rocks by classroom doors to throw at shooters

Hope that a teacher or another student throws themselves in front of the bullets

Raise the age to purchase rifles to 21

 

*according to people who don’t really want to do anything that will actually change things or save lives

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Why can’t I find a pair of Hulk pants that will still fit even if I put on a few pounds?

Has Iron Man ever dropped a deuce while flying at high altitude?

Are there any mutants whose powers actually make them weaker, like their skin turning into tissue paper instead of steel?

Professor X: does the carpet match the drapes?

I understand how the Pym Particle works, but what the hell is a Pym’s Cup?

There’s got to be a thriving business in fake heralds of Galactus, right?

Where does She-Hulk buy her sports bras?

Are Doctors Doom and Octopus members of the American Medical Association? If so, are they aware that the Hippocratic Oath says “First, do no harm”?

Does Wolverine have a Green Card allowing him to work in the US?

Did Jarvis and Wong ever consider forming a union of superhero butlers?

Why didn’t Aunt May ever get a piece of Uncle Ben’s rice money?

What happens if Black Bolt gets allergies and has to sneeze?

Why are alter-egos always more mild-mannered than their heroic counterparts?

If you put your ear up to Sub-Mariner’s tummy, can you hear the ocean?

Kexit – resolving to no longer wear underwear

Rexit – leaving the dog park for the joys and ease of being a cat owner

Chexit – no more processed breakfast cereals for me

Vexit – you’re really starting to annoy me; I’m outta here

Sexit – a real life version of Lysistrata

Fexit – giving up on my attempts to put on an Irish accent, complete with profanity

Skrillexit – so long, celebrity DJs, I’m listening to folk music from now on!

Pexit – giving up on exercise when you realize having a six pack isn’t worth the trouble

Texit – deciding to not bother messing with Texas, but just leaving it to itself

Hexit – witches, wiccans, whatever–you can’t put a spell on me

Mexitco – when Mexico takes Vicente Fox’s cue and finally tells Trump to go fuck himself

Nexit – whatever the next exit may be, wherever it may happen

"I saved the world from the Nazi scourge, and I only get to be a Captain?"

“I saved the world from the Nazi scourge, and I only get to be a Captain?”

Some of the greatest heroes the world has ever known have had military ranks. Some of them have actually served in the military, notably Captain America, even though he seems to have been handed the rank of Captain straight away, rather than enlisting as Private America and being promoted, whether through merit or on the battlefield. Others, like the often-overlooked Sgt. Rock and the more-heralded Nick Fury, never got a commission, in spite of fighting their way across Nazi-occupied Europe.

Who appointed Captains Britain and Canuck to their ranks? They always seemed to be lone wolves. Maybe they got drummed out of their respective services for insubordination. Captain Marvel served in the Kree Army before saving the universe on more than one occasion, while the other Captain Marvel got all his powers from a magician and would almost certainly go by the name Shazam if saying the word wouldn’t turn him back into Billy Batson, who’s much too young to enlist.

But the real question is, with all of their heroics and freedom-fighting and leadership, why haven’t any of these heroes been promoted to higher ranks? Why no Major Mexico, Lieutenant Colonel Liechtenstein, Brigadier General Bolivia, or General Germany, for example? Dictators like Qaddafi and Noriega, who by all rights should have been defeated and disgraced by justice-seeking heroes, instead outranked all of them (to be fair Noriega appointed himself General, but if Captain America had ever become President, it’s almost certain he would have humbly remained a simple Captain).

Maybe part of being heroic and risking your life to save your country, the universe, or even just a cat caught in a tree is being modest enough to accept your rank in life, even when you’re more of a man than the rest of the Army put together.

That's about the size of it...

That’s about the size of it…

As Donald Trump attempts to put questions about President Barack Obama’s birthplace behind him, another controversy, this time about Trump himself, is starting to gain attention. And like so many other questions about the Republican Presidential candidate, from his sewer rat’s nest hair-do to his inexplicably orange skin to his tiny baby hands, this one has to do with his body: in this case, his penis, and specifically its girth, or more properly its lack of girth.

If the rumours about Trump’s penis that are starting to become more than the whispers that have long-circulated in New York, Miss Universe pageants, Atlantic City, and Trump family reunions are being spoken out loud more and more frequently, Mr. Trump has only himself to blame. By constantly talking about his sexual conquests, both in and out of marriage, he has surely courted this controversy: women are happy to put unsatisfying sexual experiences behind them and be discrete, especially when it comes to the physical deficiencies of sexual partners, and that’s even more true when it comes to self-aggrandizing, shit-heel billionaires. But Trump insisted on airing his dirty laundry in public, and it’s no surprise that discussion eventually turned to his tighty-whities and how they were never particularly full.

At the same time, his inability to allow the snarky comments about his small hands pass without comment led ex-partners to compare notes and reporters to connect the dots. (You know what they say about men with small hands.) Trump is notoriously thin-skinned when it comes to criticism of himself, and more and more talk is centering on his equally thin-skinned penis, which rumours indicate is of average length, but exceedingly small in circumference, or in common parlance, “girth.”

The small but growing (which cannot be said about Trump’s penis, according to one ex-girlfriend: “It’s just small”) “girther” movement is demanding assurances from the Trump campaign that his penis is of at least average American girth, while criticizing the so-called “lengthers” who are focused on its length. “We in the Republican Party, and others who want to Make America Great Again, are not concerned about penis length,” claims a spokesman, “because we know that our diversity is our strength. The important thing is that the President has a penis, whatever length it happens to be. But it would just make all of us more comfortable to know that The Donald’s packing something substantial. Americans of all colours and lengths know that Hillary Clinton and the Democrats are not the answer to solving our problems. I mean, she doesn’t even have a penis!”

For his part, Trump insists that he has “tremendous girth, beautiful girth, it’s quite something… I can barely fit my hand around it, not that I need to masturbate, I have my pick of gorgeous women… believe me, there’s no issue down there!” When asked to have the distance between his ring finger and thumb measured, however, the candidate demurred, saying that he couldn’t allow that since he was under audit.

"Why did I agree to do this horrible fucking movie?!"

“Why did I agree to do this horrible fucking movie?!”

Lots of people have said it much better than I ever could, and in many different ways, but Batman vs Superman was a really, really, epically horrible movie.

I could talk at length about why this is the case, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll just offer reason #3182:

You know what the most unbelievable thing about Batman vs Superman is?

It’s not that Superman’s bulletproof or can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

It’s not the idea that Perry White is the editor-in-chief of a major newspaper but is sending Clark Kent to cover a local football team.

Those are nitpicky criticisms of poor writing or the absurdity of fantasy. I can suspend my disbelief about the laser beams.

It’s the notion that the United States would convene a Senate hearing on the deaths of innocent civilians in a third world country in order to bring Superman to justice. American soldiers kill civilians all over the world without a second thought from the vast majority of Americans. Zack Snyder presents a righteous vision of America that would only be familiar to the most blindly patriotic Republicans, and doesn’t exist in reality. It’s a vision of an America that puts itself out into the world in order to do the right thing every time, and is always looking out for the little guy. In reality the United States does exactly what Superman does: drops into volatile situations it doesn’t understand, throws its muscle around, protects a narrow version of American interests, and leaves without any concern for the chaos, destruction, and death it’s left behind.

"Hell yes, I'm going with the sunglasses--they make me look baadasssss!"

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