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The Imaginarium of Doctor Douglas Ford

After stunning Toronto with his plans to upend years of careful planning by Waterfront Toronto and replace it with a heretofore unseen “vision” of his own, rookie City Councillor Doug Ford has signalled that he’s not through… not by a long shot.

“I promised everyone that jaws would drop when they saw these plans, didn’t I?” an excited Ford said when reached by phone. “It’s a good thing we decided to take those nurses from the province, because instead of fighting bed bugs we used ’em to reattach all the dropped jaws! But if anyone thinks that a mega-mall, sail-in luxury hotel, and an emerald necklace is all I’ve got, then they don’t know Doug Ford!” adding, “I’ve crapped bigger visions than those Waterfront Toronto yahoos!”

He was quick to stress that his plan for the Port Lands was not a hasty, back-of-the-napkin dream: “No no no–I’ve been working on this for months and the idea that I sketched out a monorail and ferris wheel on a napkin is simply ridiculous. I own a label company; there’s a metric shit tonne of real high quality paper at my disposal. You don’t get this kind of quality Power Point slide show wet dream over a five-beer lunch… you get it by meeting in secret with foreign big-wigs over many months.” Asked why the meetings with Westfield Group were hidden from the public, Ford replied “Duh! So the commies don’t get ahold of the plans and mess them up!”

Councillor Ford’s other ideas for Toronto’s waterfront include:

– Separated bike lanes (already approved by Council) will be revealed to spell out “FORD NATION” when seen from the top of the world’s biggest ferris wheel

– Like in the 1970s dystopian science fiction film classic Logan’s Run, the Port Lands will be covered by a protective dome, in order to keep out the chilly Lake Ontario winds during the winter. Also like Logan’s Run, residents will have a light implanted in their palm that will begin flashing when they’ve outstayed their welcome, to better enable private security firms to track them down.

– Instead of renaturalizing the mouth of the Don River, Ford’s plan calls for a park that will double as a spillway and run south through the Port Lands. Pundits are already calling this feature “The Doug-Out”

– The Port Lands will be connected to the rest of Toronto by a single bridge that can be destroyed in case of zombie infestation. If the Port Lands are infected, this will keep the zombies safely at bay. If the city, province, or country are infected, see protective dome above

The first in a series of posts in which I question the veracity, quality, and sincerity of classic television theme songs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Hey Laverne and Shirley, if you never heard the word “impossible” how can you sing about it, huh?

2) “Burned your breakfast–so far things are going great!” A little sunnier outlook first thing in the morning might lead to a more positive day, Friends. Could you be more sarcastic?

3) That Peanut Gallery really leaves something to be desired, Howdy Doody. Half of those kids are off-key, lots seem to barely know the words, and don’t even get me started on singing in sync. It’s no wonder that these are the kids who went on to be hippies, die in Viet Nam, and vote for Reagan in the 80s. I hope you’ve done a lot of searching in that little wooden heart of yours, Doody ol’ pal. America was built on discipline, not the kind of anarchy embodied in this sloppy tune.

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