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Kexit – resolving to no longer wear underwear

Rexit – leaving the dog park for the joys and ease of being a cat owner

Chexit – no more processed breakfast cereals for me

Vexit – you’re really starting to annoy me; I’m outta here

Sexit – a real life version of Lysistrata

Fexit – giving up on my attempts to put on an Irish accent, complete with profanity

Skrillexit – so long, celebrity DJs, I’m listening to folk music from now on!

Pexit – giving up on exercise when you realize having a six pack isn’t worth the trouble

Texit – deciding to not bother messing with Texas, but just leaving it to itself

Hexit – witches, wiccans, whatever–you can’t put a spell on me

Mexitco – when Mexico takes Vicente Fox’s cue and finally tells Trump to go fuck himself

Nexit – whatever the next exit may be, wherever it may happen

“Hi! Welcome to Gaslight Bookstore, how may I help you?”

“I was here last week and saw ______. I’ve been so looking forward to reading it!”

“We’ve never had that book.”

“Really? Jason put it on hold for me, even though you had lots of copies. He was very helpful.”

“I don’t know any Jason. Are you sure it wasn’t Samantha?”

“I don’t think so. Jason has worked here for years; I know him well. Anyway, can I order the book?”

“This is a bakery.”

“I beg your pardon? This is clearly a bookstore.”

“I think I know the difference between books and loaves of bread. Are you hungry?”

“Well, yes I am, but that’s beside the point. I want to buy a book!”

“Perhaps the hunger is affecting your brain. I can help you with that, but you need to admit that there was never a bookstore in the first place.”

“What…?! I’ve been buying books here forever! Can’t you just give me the book I want?”

“Don’t you mean you want this marble rye? We’re known for your marble ryes.”

“It does look delicious… fine, I’ll have one loaf of the rye and some of these croissants.”

“Ma’am, those aren’t croissants, they’re The Hunger Games series.”

“Please lock me away now.”

Nothing any regular Hall of Famer wouldn’t jot down between innings.

This week Alex Rodriguez, retired Major League Baseball player and human steroid depository, made his debut in the broadcast booth. In typical A-Rod fashion, what should have been an easy home run became a bizarre scandal, with sharp-eyed viewers zooming in on his notebook only to see cryptic references to “birth control,” “baby”, and most-tantalizingly, “pull out stuff.” What all of this means, and why Rodriguez had this on his mind rather than a meaningless May baseball game, remains a mystery, but the other question we’re all wondering is, what else is in that notebook? The Center for Poor Karma & Pain’s crack researchers and spies are, as always, on the job and offer this exclusive look beyond the news.

p. 23 – “Where are my taco-flavoured kisses?”

p. 30 – “Find out: how many home runs wd potential baby have to hit to pass Griffeys for all-time father/son record?”

p. 37 – “A-Rod2 or 2Rod?”

p. 41 – “are purple lips hereditary or recessive?”

p. 43 – “move Phil Rizzutto to back of monument park? who is more beloved? hit more home runs than him after all”

p. 51 – “why can’t I have everything and Jeter have nothing?”

“And now a few words from my dick…”

Today President Donald Trump leaves on his first official foreign trip since being fraudulently elected by an archaic system and with the help of Russian hacking. He’ll be visiting Vatican City, Saudi Arabia, and Israel and will be taking his teddy bear and night light since he doesn’t like not sleeping in his own bed. Trump is no doubt hoping for a respite from unending witch hunts at home, even though everyone including his enemies agree that he’s doing an amazing job and has all the best words, really.

What can we expect from the trip to the centres of Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism? Reports have surfaced of Trump’s wishlist for activities, although the feasibility of some has already been questioned. Here, from unnamed sources <cough, Comey! cough> is the President’s Holy Land(s) bucket list:

  • Take the Popemobile out for a spin in St. Peter’s Square; if possible, do some donuts
  • Land a helicopter on Masada, proving that the US Army is better than Rome’s
  • Kiss the Black Stone at the Kaaba, to get the “gift of the grab”
  • Solve the Arab-Israeli problem, if time allows also bring peace to entire Middle East
  • Pick up one of those Pope hats at the Vatican gift shop
  • Take that oil
  • Make a deal to build a hotel on Palestinian land, probably
  • Find out how Michelangelo painted all that stuff even though he’s just a turtle
  • Kiss Benjamin Netanyahu right on the lips
  • Have some protestors beat up, like that Erdogan guy did in Washington
  • Send postcards to Michael Flynn, a really great guy
  • Cause at least one international incident every day
  • Tweet out locations of Israel’s nuclear weapons
  • Make joke about how he hasn’t seen a sand trap this big since golfing at the beautiful Trump Mar-a-Lago course
  • Find out where the Vatican hides all its women; grab their pussies
  • Put ketchup on hummus

"Oh look over there! Canadian values!"

“Oh look over there! Canadian values!”

Oh, Kellie Leitch, you strange, unique, visionary xenophobe. I’ve been watching your video today. You know the one; everyone’s talking about it, and they’re not saying anything nice. In my favourite riff on this thing that you’ve unleashed on the world and that you no doubt believe is true and moving, someone has slowed it down by 40%, making you appear to talk like someone’s drunk aunt. And maybe that’s exactly what you are–no judgements here, because that would be mean and a barbaric cultural practice.

Kellie, you’ve been around for quite a while now, beating your drum about how Canada needs to have face-to-face interviews with every immigrant, refugee–and now you’re apparently adding visitors to that list?!–to screen for Canadian values. Do you have any other policies that the mainstream media isn’t reporting on because it’s fixated on this one batshit crazy one? I understand that you’re trying to carve out a space for yourself amongst too many candidates for the Conservative Party leadership, but won’t you need other ideas when you become Prime Minister? (By the way, it’s totally adorable that you think you’ll ever be Prime Minister, and please keep on saying you will be at every opportunity… I hope it’s the first thing you say when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you say before you drift off to sleep, perchance to dream about being Prime Minister, which as I said, is never going to happen.)

But Kellie, I notice you never really say–beyond meaningless buzz words and platitudes–what the Canadian values you hold so dear are. And so I’m here to help. Please feel free to use any or all of the following as examples of Canadian values.

  • Rolling up the rim
  • Knowing which parts of Alberta where it’s safe to cheer for the Oilers
  • How to correctly pronounce “about”
  • This Hour Has 22 Minutes used to be funnier
  • Feeling inferior to Americans while using humour to pretend we’re not
  • Margaret Atwood is a goddamn national treasure
  • Knowing that Windsor, ON is at the same latitude as Northern California
  • Canada has the real Niagara Falls
  • “50 Mission Cap” is the ultimate Tragically Hip song; “Wheat Kings” is also acceptable
  • Our beer is better than American beer
  • Knowing whether to vote for Kellie Leitch

Those are the values all real Canadians possess. Oh, and the last one? Real Canadians know the answer to that, too.

Screwbacca

Han Job Solo

Leia Orgasma

Lick Skyfucker

Tiny Cars for Tiny Hands?

Tiny Cars for Tiny Hands?

Reading Rainbow – encourages children to read books but never has an episode about The Art of the Deal. Sad!

Planned Parenthood – who needs to plan parenthood? Just grab ‘em by the pussy and whatever happens, happens. (Always have a rock-solid pre-nup though, since women are always after your money.)

The Shriners – Anti-American tiny cars. When did America stop winning? When we stopped having big cars. Also, those things don’t run on coal so they’re destroying American jobs!

4-H Club – Animal husbandry, are you kidding me? Marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman, then another woman whenever he wants to switch things up.

The Democrats – Losers. Always whining about how they won the popular vote. Since when is being President a popularity contest? By the way, they didn’t actually win the popular vote, I did. If I’d wanted to win the popular vote I would have done it. Next time I will, believe me. Looking to beat Stalin’s record of 99.9% in 2020!

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