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From my upcoming series of picture books designed to introduce children to the great artists of the past:

  • Modigliani, Mo’ Problems
  • Step on the Gas, Degas!
  • Too Many Manet to Manage

I’ve recently invested in a new restaurant with an Classic Movie Western theme. On the weekends, from 10am to 2pm, we feature The Wild Brunch, and dishes include:

  • The Ox-Tail Soup Incident
  • Once Upon a Time in the Water Cress Sandwich
  • The Treasure of the Sierra Paté



Leap before looking.

Do unto others as my whims dictate.

Say “fuck” more often.

Give peas a chance.

Direct my feet to the punny side of the street.

Masturbate to images that I should be ashamed of masturbating to.

Cut once; fuck that “measure” shit.

Spank that ass.

Have false gods before thee.


2016 is going to be a hell of a year!


As cigar is to cigarette, so etique is to etiquette?

The cock is ticking!

The beautiful will inherit the Earth… according to the wealthy.

B.O. Wolf, heroic (and smelly) figure from Old English literature.

Dorothy Parker was really full of pith and vinegar.

If the porn industry discovered Chekhov: Uncle Vulva, The Cherry Pie Orchard, The C-Gulp, Three Sisters.


What if, instead of yelling our contempt at the people who consternate us, we quietly said, “Nevertheless, I love you”? What would the assholes think about that?

NGOs with attitude should be kicked straight outta the UN.

Don’t be angry with slaves: pity them, for they are but servants to the tyrant. Damn, that was a tough day at work.

Is there a Christian line of succession, e.g. God, Jesus, Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary…? If God dies or is killed does Jesus take over, then the Holy Ghost, etc.? At what point does Barack Obama become acting God? What about Kanye?

Rejected Nas album titles: Jagged Little Ill, Triumph of the Ill.

Keep the home fires burning, but don’t burn my home fries!

New elements for the Periodic Table, 2015: idriselbium, bromancium, kardashium.

New dishes for my pun-themed restaurant: Baklava to the Future, Mongolian Custard Fuck, Mumford and Plums.

Despite well-intentioned efforts by people like Jimmy Carter, Habitat for Humanity is consistently outfunded by Habitat for Inhumanity, which has branches in nearly every country in the world.


The Molson Undie

Prig Notaro

Norah Cajones

Corpus Christine



Won Direction

Prague Rock

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfucktion (Rolling Stones tribute band)


knittingI’ve never lost my knitting, but I’ve been known to drop a stitch. I can do very basic sewing, and for a while when I was a kid I liked to do rug hooking. But generally I’ve stayed away from crafts. That hasn’t stopped me from coming up with punny names for craft stores.




  • Keep Your Knits About You
  • Eminembroidery
  • Knit Wits
  • 99 Problems But a Stitch Ain’t One
  • Sew Bee It
  • Here, Knitty Knitty Knitty!
  • Hello Doily!
  • Auntie Macassar
  • At My Knit’s End

Pre-emptive ejaculation (an empowering label for premature ejaculation)

Zentist (a dentist who’s even more chill than the novocaine)

Crucifiction (made-up stories about ancient forms of capital punishment)

Penultimatum (the next-to-last final demand)

Coup d’tit (the effect breasts have on a man’s attention)

Crucifriction (the chafing one experiences when the nails aren’t driven in correctly)

Fund a Mental (politically incorrect charity for the developmentally delayed)

Condescending (when someone is against going down on their sexual partner)

Toyota Priapus (an absurdly large electric car with huge horsepower)

If ginormous = really big, does gynormous = a really big vagina?


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