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From my upcoming series of picture books designed to introduce children to the great artists of the past:

  • Modigliani, Mo’ Problems
  • Step on the Gas, Degas!
  • Too Many Manet to Manage

I’ve recently invested in a new restaurant with an Classic Movie Western theme. On the weekends, from 10am to 2pm, we feature The Wild Brunch, and dishes include:

  • The Ox-Tail Soup Incident
  • Once Upon a Time in the Water Cress Sandwich
  • The Treasure of the Sierra Paté

 

 

houston astrosLos Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Although it’s known as “the City of Angels,” Los Angeles has always had a seamier side, and even revelled in it. Those people who raged against the sin of the big city and its movie industry, and who mostly avoided both by living in LA’s sprawling suburbs, were disparagingly called “Angels,” and were accused of being hypocrites for benefitting from the wealth that Hollywood brought to the area, while publicly holding their noses at the scandals and deal-making that have always been a part of Tinseltown. They were LA wannabes, and none were worse than the California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels baseball team, who took screen legend Gene Autry’s money but cultivated a “real American” vibe as opposed to the glitz of the Dodgers, while moving closer and closer over the years to acknowledging their true LA heart through regular name changes. Now owned by Disney, the happy face of Hollywood, the Angels are still seen by many as holier-than-thou, although they and their parent company are just as sleazy as anyone in LA.

Texas Rangers – Sure, the Texas Rangers are renowned law men, the southern equivalent of the Mounties who always get their man. But what you might not know is that the baseball team were not named for the dispensers of frontier justice, but actually after the character of Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings. The baseball team intended for the association to be with the Aragorn who was crowned king, but until the Rangers win a World Series, they are more likely to bring to mind the mysterious and untrustworthy Strider.

Oakland Athletics – An archaic term for nudists, “athletics” was bestowed upon the team in their original home of Philadelphia, when they were accused of practising in the buff. Although naked athletes were common in ancient Greece, it has never been commonly accepted in the United States, which helps explain why the team has changed cities more than once.

Houston Astros – the Astros were named in honour of the NASA astronauts, since the headquarters for the American space program is located in the city. Not everyone, however, was inspired by President Kennedy’s call to land a man on the moon; the USA has a higher preponderance of creationists, flat earthers, and other followers of discredited belief systems than any developed country in the world, and many Americans resented NASA for questioning their faith that there was nothing beyond the Earth. “Planet Earth not good enough for ya, Astro-Nut?” they’d say, and many still do.

Seattle Mariners – Few groups are as loathed as sailors and Mormons, and in Washington State, they’ve managed to combine their mistrust of both into a single slur: “mariner.” It combines the lawlessness and promiscuity of sailors with the lawfulness and bigamy of Mormons into one catch-all. Why anyone in the state would think of naming a baseball team “Mariners” is beyond me. What was wrong with “Pilots”?

If they made Three’s Company today, Jack would be gay but pretending to be straight to stay in an apartment in Mississippi. Chrissy and Janet would be lesbians because that’s how Hollywood works.

“I’d like a salad, and make it Greek.” “You mean stick it up your ass?” (Based on the myth that the Greeks invented sodomy.)

Top pet peeves about porn: 1) Bald guys, 2) French manicure press-on nails, 3) those guys with cocks that are half-albino, 4) directors audibly giving instructions on how to fuck or hitting on the actors. (Based on watching way too much porn.)

Come for the cock–stay for the cum! (Based on the old restaurant slogan “Come for the steak, stay for the pie.”)

“Truth is stranger than fiction.” “Oh yeah? Well you’re uglier than fiction!”

Stop! You had me at “tits.” (Based on the Jerry Maguire line “Stop! You had me at “hello.”)

Happiness is a warm pussy. (Based on the Charlie Brown meme “Happiness is a warm puppy.”)

 

Proposed legislation would create an alert system which would even inform perverts when celebrities leave the house in revealing clothing.

In a move which many anonymous middle-aged men are calling “long overdue” and “4we5ome!”, Internet activist and celebrity boobs enthusiast Senor Flesh is calling for immediate legislative action to create a nation-wide and up-to-the-minute alert system that will inform the public when Hollywood actresses have filmed nude scenes.

“It is utterly insane that in this modern age, when information travels at the speed of light, that I had to find out that Anne Hathaway appears topless for a few seconds in this fall’s romantic comedy Love and Other Drugs because I happened to catch a three month-old rerun of Saturday Night Live in which her willingness to do nudity is the central joke in her monologue,” posted user Jigglin ASSange in a comment on the Mr. Skin website. “That movie’s not even in theatres anymore, and not on DVD yet, so I had to rely on low quality screenshots from the Internet in order to masturbate!”

Other lonely boob aficionados agree: johngaltlovedtits wonders “where was the government in this? Debating health care? It’s ridiculous!! It’s time they start spending tax dollars where it most effects my daily life–knowing what actresses I get to see nekkid and ideally at what exact time in the movie!” The politically savvy but socially inept blogger continued: “It’s not enough to know that Michelle Williams appears naked in Blue Valentine, we need to be told that it happens at the 32-minute, 40-minute, and again at the one hour, one minute-mark in the film… I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to watch the whole movie when all I care about is the mammage and butt cheekage. It’s why I voted for a Tea Party candidate and if he thinks he can ignore that promise, I have just one thing to say: the people elected you, we’re watching, and we can vote you out. Also, is there any way we can legislate that Scarlett Johansson must do at least one nude scene?”

Mr. Senor Flesh is hopeful that legislation will be fast-tracked, in spite of the current gridlock in Washington. After all, he says “Who doesn’t like boobs?”

Robert James Bell…

… has been there, but he’s never done that.  It looked fun, but kind of dangerous.

… enjoys eating.  His favourite obscure super-hero is Matter-Eater Lad.

… ‘s lifelong goal is to create a workable phonetic alphabet for English.  Despite brilliant flashes of inspiration, the work remains unfinished.

… can’t believe he ate the whole thing.  Twice.

… doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up.  He recently grew up.

… enjoys picking out Toronto landmarks in bad Hollywood movies.  He’s seen many.

… , like Alan Moore, knows the score.  He just doesn’t know which game is being played.

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