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Toronto City Councillor and World War I flying ace Giorgio Mammoliti addresses the media moments before hopping into his Sopwith Camel to go shoot down the Red Baron. Mammoliti is convinced that there’s a vast conspiracy in Toronto targeted at and organized by City Councillors and their allies, designed to discredit Mayor Rob Ford, who was convicted of a conflict of interest violation, accused of threatening a reporter and giving the finger to a seven year-old girl, used city resources to benefit his family business and to help coach his football team, and involved in numerous other self-made scandals. Mammoliti, who can purportedly “smell” communism and is best known for his efforts to erect the largest flag pole in the world, taking his shirt off at City Hall to make a point, suggesting that the Toronto Islands be turned into a red light district, and who has been known to attend the Dyke March with a video camera, is conducting an investigation on his own, and will notify the police when he has sufficient evidence, or when he finds a mysterious one-thumbed man who he is convinced can explain all of his odd behaviour and shenanigans around City Hall.

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I’m in the process of writing a book called What I (Don’t) Know About Every Country in the World and I thought I’d offer a taste of what’s to come.

In 1983, Donald Trump purchased the country of Togo for $100,000. The real estate tycoon was under the impression that he was buying a toga for a party. Exactly why Trump failed to understand that $100,000 was an exhorbitant price for a toga, or why the citizens of Togo approved of the sale of their country for such a paltry sum, is unknown to this day. But it does explain why the government meets in the Trump National Assembly and Casino Resort in Lome. Years later, a similar mix-up was avoided when Trump, experiencing one of his periodic cash flow problems, saw his $2.5 million cheque–for what he must have assumed were an exquisite pair of tongs–bounce, saving the island nation of Tonga from having to place its crown on Trump’s unfortunate hair.

Contrary to the belief in some (stoned) classic rock circles, Argentina is not named after Rod Argent, either for his contributions of such songs as “She’s Not There” or “Time of the Season” as a member of The Zombies, or for his solo hit “Hold Your Head Up.” No one in Argentina, however, is crying for Argent, who may not be immortal, but is, by all accounts, a man who keeps his promises, a highly-valued trait in the South American country.

Well, you get the picture, I hope. More to come, of course–there are a lot of countries in the world, and I may not limit myself to current or even real countries. Please let me know what you think!

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