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As the deadline to raise the US debt ceiling approaches and Americans and financial markets become more and more concerned about the inability of politicians to come to an agreement, the rhetoric around Washington, D.C. has become elevated. Here are some excerpts from recent speeches:

“The term ‘debt ceiling’ is just a metaphor which places limits on American growth… let no one tell America we have limits! Imagine that America doesn’t live in a house with a single ceiling, but lives in an apartment complex with many, many ceilings… I think we can agree that there is almost no end to America’s potential to borrow and spend and grow and borrow again…!”

“Someone once told us that man would never fly… but the Wright Brothers proved them wrong. Later, someone said that it was impossible to fly faster than the speed of sound… but Chuck Yeager said ‘Fuck that shit.’ Then people said we couldn’t go to the moon… and President Kennedy, in his eloquent way, said ‘Lick my balls, commies!’ Anyway, my point is, you’re telling me we can’t raise a fucking debt ceiling? Bullshit.”

“Okay, if we can’t raise the debt ceiling, can we build a dormer or something to give ourselves a little more room? Plus, it’ll allow a little natural sunlight to come into America, and if we build it south-facing, maybe we’d even save on some heating costs. I know this guy who can do it cheap, and if we buy the supplies from Walmart we’ll save tons…”

“If we can agree to build a debt roof, rather than raising the debt ceiling, then we’ll have all sorts of room in the debt attic, allowing us to continue to borrow for years to come. I have the experience, the knowledge, and the dedication… I understand the working man. It’s better to do one job well than two jobs… not so well. Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

“I am calling on all Republicans to support my plan, not to raise the debt ceiling, which is what the President wants, but to build a separate ‘debt doghouse’ into which we could put all the excess spending that Obama (who wasn’t even born here!) is forcing upon the American people… America isn’t going ‘broke’–it’s going ‘Barack’! Who let the dogs out? Obama! Who’s going to put them back in the doghouse? The Republicans!”

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Ahh, yeah.

“I was told there’d be more hair-pulling.”

“I haven’t seen a woman kick balls that hard since that time Carrie found out Steve was cheating on her.”

“This is for that foul in the last game!”

“This is for Pearl Harbor!!”

“This is for the boyfriend you stole!!!”

“World Cup, huh? More like “A” Cup, maybe a few “B”s…”

“I thought this was going to be lingerie football…”

“There’s no crying in football!”

“What do you mean ‘if there’s grass on the field, play ball?’ Of course there’s grass on the field!”

“I hear the North Koreans are smuggling weapons of mass destruction in their shinguards.”

“I haven’t seen so many pony-tailed athletes since the Men’s World Cup.”

“Heh-heh. ‘Heads the ball’… heh-heh.”

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