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V for Gra-V Train

V for Gra-V Train

I get the impression that if Mayor Rob Ford watched any movies besides Cobra he’d fundamentally misunderstand the point anyway. He’d watch V for Vendetta and imagine himself and the Progressive Conservatives in the role of V, with the climactic scene of 10,000 V-masked protesters finally taking a stand against their unfeeling and repressive government reimagined as Ford Nation in Rob masks descending on City Hall to put an end to the Gravy Train.

Or picture this: a brutal general asks “Who is Rob Ford?” and one by one the beaten-down masses rise up and declare, “I’m Rob Ford!” “No, I’m Rob Ford!!”

Doug Ford would sympathize with Anakin Skywalker, slaughtering the young Jedi padawans, all for the greater good, and to protect the neighbourhood.

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“50% of marriages end in divorce!” I wanted to shout at the lovely couple having their wedding photos taken at City Hall.

How close could Rob Ford have been with Jim Flaherty? After all, he never called him “Jones.”

“Where’s the dandy convention, gents?” I thought of asking the two anachronistically-attired men waiting for the bus, neither of whom, shockingly, were Seth.

I always look away as the subway approaches, not wanting to witness the inevitable suicide.

As I walk around Toronto, I’m fairly secure in the knowledge that I probably won’t get beat up for wearing my particular team’s colours.

Overheard: people on the streetcar speaking German. I never heard the word “Hitler,” which sets my mind largely at ease.

Rob Ford DrunkOK, I know what you’re thinking–“Dude, lay off the Mayor… the ‘Rob Ford is a drunk’ stories are so three weeks ago!” But at the time those stories came out, I had become so disillusioned with our Mayor that I couldn’t even bring myself to make fun of him. It was all just too much, too embarrassing, too constant, his foibles and missteps. Maybe I even felt bad for him. Had a line been crossed? Had the media delved too far into his personal life? Where should the line be drawn between public and personal lives anyway? So the Mayor likes to drink; so do I. Sometimes he drinks too much; so do I. What would I think if certain of my escapades had become front-page fodder? Had we reached the point where Rob Ford’s everyman appeal had found a resonance with my own values?

Maybe.

But more than anything I just wanted to be reading about important issues facing Toronto–the potential for a downtown casino, how we’re going to pay to fight gridlock, in general making this city a better place–and not about Mayor Ford’s personal troubles.

Since the headlines questioning Ford’s drinking habits, he’s actually kept his nose pretty clean: no new scandals. Sure, he still says stupid things, and I still disagree with almost every opinion that comes out of his mouth, but at least he’s been talking about policies, and taxes, and a vision for the city, even if his vision is amazingly petty and narrow.

But in my own way, I’m petty, too. And I just couldn’t let these jokes at the Mayor’s expense sit unused, languishing in the recesses of my notebook. Let’s hope that these kinds of jokes represent the past, and that we won’t see their like again; let’s hope that when we talk about Rob Ford in the future, it’ll be about his politics, not his behaviour.

Your Coverage of City Hall Makes the Mayor Drink

“Just a little sippy before this transit vote…”

“I can stop anytime I want, just like I stopped the gravy train. Boom! See what I did there?”

Toronto: Where Proposing a Toast to the Mayor’s Health is Now a Controversial Political Act

“Forget subways–what I really want is a motorboat, ifyaknowhatimean!”

In all seriousness, I hope that if Rob Ford has problems with alcohol or drugs, that he gets the help he needs, and listens to those close to him who care about him and risked so much by talking to the media.

Unpredictable dope-smoking funny man meets comedian Dave Chappelle, left.

Rob Ford braves the sunlight in order to push his Moleman-centric agenda on unsuspecting Elven Lord Dalton McGuinty

With his musings about building a car tunnel under the Gardiner Expressway, Toronto Councillor Doug Ford has once again demonstrated his devotion to the idea of moving transit and commuting underground, and clearly indicated his allegiance to the larger moleman agenda. Along with his brother, actual Mayor Rob Ford, Doug was instrumental in moving the crosstown Eglinton LRT (Light Rail Transit) below ground, at tremendously-increased cost compared to the original plan, which called for construction aboveground, in the sun and fresh air where normal humans thrive. In addition the brothers, whose predilection for squinting when exposed to any form of natural light should not be ignored, have been advocating for a private-public plan to build an extension to the Sheppard subway line, and claim that it can be built at no cost to taxpayers by leveraging development fees. The mayor also says he will not use road trolls to build the expansion, though the man he hired to find funding has been touting it as an option: “The people I’ve spoken to don’t want road trolls; they’re smelly and I don’t trust them. They punish hard-working families, sometimes by making their children into gravy. It’s time to stop the gravy-train.”

“I ran on a promise to build subways, and that’s what I’m going to do… they’re ours and we wants ’em! Everything is better underground… I absolutely love the PATH system, which allows me to travel between City Hall and the Air Canada Centre without once going outside,” explained the Mayor, his pale skin a clear indication of his avoidance of daylight. “That way I can avoid the harsh glare of the sun–it burns! it burns!–to say nothing of public scrutiny.”

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