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Toronto is still eight months away from the start of the long 2014 election campaign–although if you listen to the Mayor and his brother you’d be excused for thinking we’ve been in the middle of an election for the past six months–and yet the issues that will likely dominate already seem to be coalescing. Here is a sneak preview of what will be on every candidate’s lips in less than a year:

  • Subways, subways, subways
  • No one has done more for _____ than _____
  • Taxes, taxes, taxes
  • At the end of the day, Toronto needs _____, not _____
  • Efficiencies, folks, efficiencies
  • Casinos, casinos, casinos
  • These damn streetcars clogging up our streets
  • Jets, jets, jets
  • The people can’t afford the things that the people are demanding that they want
  • Respect, respect, respect

I don’t know about you, but if you’re like Rob Ford and hate the actual business of governing, and can’t wait for this session of City Council to be over and the election season of strident name-calling, empty catchphrases and soon-to-be-broken promises to begin, 2014 can’t come soon enough!

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Toronto City Councillor and World War I flying ace Giorgio Mammoliti addresses the media moments before hopping into his Sopwith Camel to go shoot down the Red Baron. Mammoliti is convinced that there’s a vast conspiracy in Toronto targeted at and organized by City Councillors and their allies, designed to discredit Mayor Rob Ford, who was convicted of a conflict of interest violation, accused of threatening a reporter and giving the finger to a seven year-old girl, used city resources to benefit his family business and to help coach his football team, and involved in numerous other self-made scandals. Mammoliti, who can purportedly “smell” communism and is best known for his efforts to erect the largest flag pole in the world, taking his shirt off at City Hall to make a point, suggesting that the Toronto Islands be turned into a red light district, and who has been known to attend the Dyke March with a video camera, is conducting an investigation on his own, and will notify the police when he has sufficient evidence, or when he finds a mysterious one-thumbed man who he is convinced can explain all of his odd behaviour and shenanigans around City Hall.

Rob Ford braves the sunlight in order to push his Moleman-centric agenda on unsuspecting Elven Lord Dalton McGuinty

With his musings about building a car tunnel under the Gardiner Expressway, Toronto Councillor Doug Ford has once again demonstrated his devotion to the idea of moving transit and commuting underground, and clearly indicated his allegiance to the larger moleman agenda. Along with his brother, actual Mayor Rob Ford, Doug was instrumental in moving the crosstown Eglinton LRT (Light Rail Transit) below ground, at tremendously-increased cost compared to the original plan, which called for construction aboveground, in the sun and fresh air where normal humans thrive. In addition the brothers, whose predilection for squinting when exposed to any form of natural light should not be ignored, have been advocating for a private-public plan to build an extension to the Sheppard subway line, and claim that it can be built at no cost to taxpayers by leveraging development fees. The mayor also says he will not use road trolls to build the expansion, though the man he hired to find funding has been touting it as an option: “The people I’ve spoken to don’t want road trolls; they’re smelly and I don’t trust them. They punish hard-working families, sometimes by making their children into gravy. It’s time to stop the gravy-train.”

“I ran on a promise to build subways, and that’s what I’m going to do… they’re ours and we wants ’em! Everything is better underground… I absolutely love the PATH system, which allows me to travel between City Hall and the Air Canada Centre without once going outside,” explained the Mayor, his pale skin a clear indication of his avoidance of daylight. “That way I can avoid the harsh glare of the sun–it burns! it burns!–to say nothing of public scrutiny.”

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