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"Why did I agree to do this horrible fucking movie?!"

“Why did I agree to do this horrible fucking movie?!”

Lots of people have said it much better than I ever could, and in many different ways, but Batman vs Superman was a really, really, epically horrible movie.

I could talk at length about why this is the case, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll just offer reason #3182:

You know what the most unbelievable thing about Batman vs Superman is?

It’s not that Superman’s bulletproof or can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

It’s not the idea that Perry White is the editor-in-chief of a major newspaper but is sending Clark Kent to cover a local football team.

Those are nitpicky criticisms of poor writing or the absurdity of fantasy. I can suspend my disbelief about the laser beams.

It’s the notion that the United States would convene a Senate hearing on the deaths of innocent civilians in a third world country in order to bring Superman to justice. American soldiers kill civilians all over the world without a second thought from the vast majority of Americans. Zack Snyder presents a righteous vision of America that would only be familiar to the most blindly patriotic Republicans, and doesn’t exist in reality. It’s a vision of an America that puts itself out into the world in order to do the right thing every time, and is always looking out for the little guy. In reality the United States does exactly what Superman does: drops into volatile situations it doesn’t understand, throws its muscle around, protects a narrow version of American interests, and leaves without any concern for the chaos, destruction, and death it’s left behind.

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watchmen-babiesHaving just seen the movie, I’m not even ready yet to comment on whether or not Watchmen is a worthwhile translation of the graphic novel that helped demonstrate to the world that comix could be more than people in tights fighting other people in even more ridiculous tights; I’m still digesting the choices made in adapting the story, in bringing the characters to life, and in general deciding if there was any point to making this movie at all.  I can say, however, without any reservations, that the soundtrack features the most obnoxious and ham-fisted use of songs in recent memory.  It’s hard to believe that Bob Dylan would have allowed “The Times They Are A-Changing” to be used over the title sequence, a stroll down alternative history memory lane, but as corny as that was, the later appearance of Jimi Hendrix’s cover of “All Along the Watchtower” to accompany the crash of the owlship Archimedes in Antarctica is even worse, as the volume is cranked to punishing decibels and suspense is sublimated to spectacle.  Director Zack Snyder seems to have taken his cues from Forrest Gump, forgoing the emotional development of characters or any cinematic creation of moods in the belief that musical cues can fill in all of the gaps.  It’s lazy film-making, and it’s offensive.

For another take on the soundtrack, please visit:

http://www.examiner.com/x-1994-LA-Gossip-Examiner~y2009m3d6-The-guy-who-did-The-Watchmen-soundtrack-better-watch-his-back

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