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Gary BettmanIn a deal that is causing concern in churches and hockey rinks across North America but is surprisingly uncontroversial in Toronto, Satan has reached an agreement with National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman to insure that the Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup this year.   While the favouritism is upsetting for fans of teams whose records of futility approach (but could never match) that of the Leafs, the greatest concern surrounds the price that Bettman and The Prince of Darkness have agreed to: a Stanley Cup for Toronto and then, Armageddon.

Satan“At first I thought, ‘Armageddon is a pretty steep price to pay just for a championship’, but then I thought, ‘1967’… ‘1967’… and I couldn’t get it out of my head,” explained loyal fan Jay Patterson.  “Armageddon’s gonna come sometime whether we want it to or not, and I’d rather meet my maker after parading the Cup down Yonge Street!” said Maria Latulippe, philosophically, “Plus, winning the last one, we’d be defending champs for eternity, no matter what!”

Amongst the skeptics are Jim Balsillie, CEO of Research In Motion and erstwhile owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, who speculates that “Bettman wants the Leafs to succeed–no matter what the price–just to block me from bringing the Coyotes to southwestern Ontario.”  For his part, Bettman dismisses Balsillie as paranoid.  “This has nothing to do with Balsillie or the Coyotes and everything to do with the great fans of Toronto, who have been so patient and so loyal for so many years.  Anything–and I do mean anything–I can do to bring the Stanley Cup back to this great Original Six team, I will do. This deal with the devil–literally it’s a deal with the devil, and I won’t sugarcoat that–is something I feel good about… he’s someone I feel I can work with, and trust, unlike Balsillie.”

Satan was unavailable for comment, but was heard to laugh maniacally.

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