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In the next few days, Canadian broadcasters will switch their signals from analog to digital. Although we’ve been told for two years that this is going to happen, and that if we get our television through cable we won’t be affected, but that if we use an antenna or rabbit ears we risk losing stations unless we purchase a digital converter (for less than $100!), it’s been entirely less clear why this is being done at all. But that’s not important right now. I’ve decided to try living without television, since I have an old, non-digital TV and use rabbit ears, and don’t feel like spending $100 on programming that I’ve largely become bored or frustrated by. I’ll miss The Office, and Parks and Recreation, and CBC News, and TVO’s Steve Paikin, nature shows, and Saturday Night at the Movies, and I enjoyed watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (although I realized that I knew much more about American Politics than Canadian, which started to worry me), and I’ll get used to not turning on Breakfast Television while I get ready for work in the morning, but there are a few things I won’t miss at all:

1) Denis Leary’s pseudo-macho truck-commercial narration. Dude, you recorded “I’m an Asshole” and now you really are one.

2) Warnings to “Stay Clear, Stay Safe” of water near hydro dams. If we spent half as much money warning about the dangers of other harmful things we’d all be immortal.

3) All Ford commercials. They’ve gotten pretty uppity since they survived the Recession.

4) The entire CTV Canada AM crew. Seamus O’Regan, I loathe you, you smarmy bastard. Weatherman, just shut up. Beverly Thomson, I actually respect you but you’re wasted on this show, and I can literally see your soul dying every time I watch you.

5) The Big Bang Theory. Yes, I suppose it’s a “smart” show in that many jokes show a firm grasp of science, but it’s a dumb show in that it delights in making smart people look like idiots. No matter how much Middle America wants to believe that salt-of-the-earth types are better than science geeks, the geeks will always be smarter, richer, and more successful than you.

6) Viagra, Canesten, and Cialis. Canada, there is a crisis raging in our naughty bits, and Dr. Pharma has just the pill for you.

Grey’s Anatomy – are there any characters named “Grey” on the show?

Vampire Diaries – does anyone keep a diary?

Saving Grace – how hard did anyone try to save this show from cancelation?

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? – well, are you punk?  (aside: you most likely are not)

Poker After Dark – why do I have to wait to poke her until after dark?

8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter was an American sitcom that aired from 2002 until 2005; I have only a passing knowledge of it since I was never able to watch more than a few minutes of it without being either bored, appalled, or both.  The show remains in syndication and seeing a listing for it on the TV guide had me pondering if the 8 simple rules were ever codified or if it was just a catchy title.  Before doing any research, I decided to make up my own 8 simple rules, and then compare my list to the actual rules.

  1. If you watch Entourage, you don’t get to date my daughter.
  2. There will be no use of the term “blue balls”.
  3. Hoes before bros… P.S. my daughter is not to be called “ho”.
  4. Under the shirt, over the bra.
  5. If I see your van a-rockin’, I will come a-knockin’.
  6. No glove, no love.
  7. You broke it, you bought it (hymen).
  8. Halfsies on abortions.

The actual 8 simple rules:

  1. Use your hands on my daughter and you’ll lose them after.
  2. You make her cry, I make you cry.
  3. Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
  4. Bring her home late, there’s no next date.
  5. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.
  6. No complaining while you’re waiting for her. If you’re bored, change my oil.
  7. If your pants hang off your hips, I’ll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
  8. Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

All-in-all, the actual rules are folksier than mine, and more likely to rhyme, but mine are more reflective of the time.

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