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A Great GameFor years the Canadian publishing and political worlds have been abuzz with anticipation for Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s book on Canada’s national sport [Sorry, lacrosse, but honestly–get real. -Ed.] but the wait seems to be coming to an end with Thursday’s announcement of the title and publication date. Harper’s publisher, Simon & Schuster Canada, revealed that A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hockey would hit bookstore shelves on November 5th, just in time for the busy holiday-shopping season, not to mention the not-so-busy pro-roguing season. The book promises an historical perspective with a fan’s passion for the game, and yes, you read that right–Stephen Harper is promising passion. And after all, when you think of passion, isn’t Stephen Harper what you imagine?

We at the Centre for Poor Karma & Pain have obtained an exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek at this sure-to-be publishing milestone and can, for the first time ever, reveal the chapter headings:

  • Introduction: When I’m Finished Writing About Hockey, You Won’t Recognize It
  • Why You Can Thank Canada’s Founding Party for the Game You Love
  • The Reckless and Dangerous Liberal Meddling in Canada’s Defining Sport
  • Ask Me Three Questions About Hockey. One at a Time. OK, This Chapter Is Over
  • The Royal Canadian Hockey League
  • Sidney Crosby: He’s In Way Over His Head
  • Abolishing Records: Why Keeping Statistics Should Be Voluntary
  • The Sad History of the Long-Stick Registry
  • Declaring the Montreal Canadiens a Nation within the National Hockey League
  • Don Cherry and the Evolution of the Temporary Foreign Player Program
  • It Is High Time for the Ottawa Senators to be Equal, Elected, and Effective

The latest buzz around Ottawa:

“Congratulations to the new leader of the NDP. You know who else has a beard? Castro. Just sayin’…”

“Did you think we meant that the F-35s would cost nine billion dollars? No, no, no… we were always talking in terms of pounds… they’re going to cost nine billion pounds! It’s standard accounting procedure.”

“The Royal Canadian Oil Sands are a proud part of the Canadian tradition of self-sufficiency, determination, and ingenuity. Canadian.”

“Rob Ford? I’ve never met the man, let alone went on a secluded fishing trip with him.”

“The Prime Minister has paid the full ticket price for each hockey game he’s attended while in office. Wink!”

“C’mon, you didn’t really think you’d be able to retire at 65 anyway, did you? With all the money we’re gonna spend on fighter jets? Tell you what, we’ve got plenty of new jobs as prison guards right around the corner… how’d you like that?”

Based on the events of the 2011 Canadian federal election campaign, these movies describe the party leaders:

Stephen Harper – The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

Michael Ignatieff – Red Shoe Diaries

Jack Layton – Porky’s

Gilles Duceppe – Yesterday’s Enemy

Elizabeth May – How Green Was My Valley

"I wish Iggy would stop this bickering and just kiss me!"

It was revealed today through confidential sources that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper frequently prorogues his own orgasms in an effort to prolong lovemaking sessions and to control the sexual agenda between he and his wife, Laureen.

“There are typically two ways that Prime Ministers can prorogue their orgasms,” according to constitutional sexpert Aubrey St. John-Smythe-Smith, “One, called the ‘withdrawal’ method, in which the sitting member simply refrains from entering the… if you will, ‘house’ until such time as he is ready to begin again the thrust and parry of debate, and two, colloquially known as ‘thinking about hockey’, used when certain sensitive issues have come to a head, where the Prime Minister refuses to contemplate the issues at hand, waiting instead for the moment when sensitivity decreases and he may once again dive full-force into the house, bringing both he and the house to a satisfactory climax.”

While critics are accusing the Prime Minister of abusing the trust of voters, being selfish, and delaying the inevitable, supporters point out that he is entirely in his rights to prorogue orgasms.  “The role of the Prime Minister today is much more robust and virile than it used to be, and the Canadian people expect their leader to take a commanding position in Parliament, as well as the bedroom.  Although the Governor General traditionally has the power to deny prorogue, this is no longer done in practice, as the Governor General has become largely a ceremonial position, and must be content to be a mere spectator as the Prime Minister takes the lead, sets the pace, and maps out the crucial decision to come,” explains a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office.  “This is nothing new: proroguing has been done by nearly all of our Prime Ministers, hundreds of times… except King, of course.”

harper_obama-300x222Canada and the United States share the world’s longest undefended border and the biggest trade between any two nations on Earth, but although both belong to NAFTA, issues of unfair trade practices occasionally arise.  Disputes have occurred in recent years over protectionism and charges of illegal subsidies in critical industries.  Although both countries benefit from close economic ties, a potential new rift is brewing over a growing deficit between the long-time allies, and President Barack Obama’s visit to Ottawa today only served to highlight the serious gap in political charisma between the two nations.  “I haven’t seen this kind of an imbalance since the days of John F. Kennedy,” one grizzled CBC veteran confided, “and even then, at least Diefenbaker had that wild hair and crazy look in his eyes… he was like some ornery granddad who might pick any occasion to spout off on how things were better in the good old days, and tell you to get off his goddamn lawn.  Lord, I miss the 60s.”  The charisma deficit is so wide that Canada, which once held its own against the US with leaders like Pierre Trudeau and Jean Chretien proving eminently quotable and unpredictable, had to beg Obama to make his first foreign trip as President a short visit to Canada in order to inject an emergency stimulus of star power into the disengaged nation.  “I never would have used the word ‘charismatic’ to describe Paul Martin,” one political observer mused, “but somehow, Stephen Harper has even less magnetism… he’s like a black hole of charisma: not even light can escape.”

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