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Proposed legislation would create an alert system which would even inform perverts when celebrities leave the house in revealing clothing.

In a move which many anonymous middle-aged men are calling “long overdue” and “4we5ome!”, Internet activist and celebrity boobs enthusiast Senor Flesh is calling for immediate legislative action to create a nation-wide and up-to-the-minute alert system that will inform the public when Hollywood actresses have filmed nude scenes.

“It is utterly insane that in this modern age, when information travels at the speed of light, that I had to find out that Anne Hathaway appears topless for a few seconds in this fall’s romantic comedy Love and Other Drugs because I happened to catch a three month-old rerun of Saturday Night Live in which her willingness to do nudity is the central joke in her monologue,” posted user Jigglin ASSange in a comment on the Mr. Skin website. “That movie’s not even in theatres anymore, and not on DVD yet, so I had to rely on low quality screenshots from the Internet in order to masturbate!”

Other lonely boob aficionados agree: johngaltlovedtits wonders “where was the government in this? Debating health care? It’s ridiculous!! It’s time they start spending tax dollars where it most effects my daily life–knowing what actresses I get to see nekkid and ideally at what exact time in the movie!” The politically savvy but socially inept blogger continued: “It’s not enough to know that Michelle Williams appears naked in Blue Valentine, we need to be told that it happens at the 32-minute, 40-minute, and again at the one hour, one minute-mark in the film… I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to watch the whole movie when all I care about is the mammage and butt cheekage. It’s why I voted for a Tea Party candidate and if he thinks he can ignore that promise, I have just one thing to say: the people elected you, we’re watching, and we can vote you out. Also, is there any way we can legislate that Scarlett Johansson must do at least one nude scene?”

Mr. Senor Flesh is hopeful that legislation will be fast-tracked, in spite of the current gridlock in Washington. After all, he says “Who doesn’t like boobs?”

"Hey Justin, how many pubes today?"

Sixteen-year old pop sensation Justin Bieber is an idol for millions of rabid fans, a teenage heart-throb, and a habitual trending topic on Twitter only months after bursting onto the music scene.  He is the first artist to have seven songs from a debut album chart on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.  His debut single charted in the top 30 in more than ten countries, and new hit song “Baby” is an international smash.  He is also totally freaking out about the hair that has begun to grow around his genitals.

Bieber is one of the youngest musical guests to ever appear on Saturday Night Live.  After a fierce bidding war which included strong interest from Justin Timberlake, the adorable singer/dancer was signed by Usher to Island Records in late 2008.  Hard-working as well as talented, Bieber taught himself to play the piano, drums, guitar, and trumpet.  He is also wondering why these curly black hairs have suddenly appeared and if anyone else has ever had this sort of thing happen to them.

Bieber performed for U.S. President Barack Obama at the White House for Christmas in Washington, which was broadcast on December 20, 2009, and days later was also one of the performers at Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve on December 31, 2009. He was a presenter at the Grammy Awards on January 31, 2010, and was invited to be a vocalist for the remake of “We Are the World” for its 25th anniversary to benefit Haiti after the earthquake.  Seriously, this is so gross and why does he have to be such a freak with ugly hair growing down there?

Bieber will begin recording his next album in the summer of 2010 in New York City. British singer/songwriter Taio Cruz has confirmed he is writing on Bieber’s next project.  That is, until he finds out that Bieber is some kind of wolfman or something… I mean, c’mon, this is like THE WORST THING EVER!!!  EPIC FAIL!!!

Bieber’s voice is now deeper than it was when he recorded his albums because of puberty.  The singer, discussing his vocals, remarked, “It cracks. Like every teenage boy, I’m dealing with it and I have the best vocal coach in the world. […] Some of the notes I hit on “Baby” I can’t hit anymore. We have to lower the key when I sing live.”  His trademark grin fading, Bieber adds: “Plus, I have freaking hair growing all around my wiener… why isn’t anyone teaching me how to deal with that?!  Fame and crazy fans I can handle, but pubes?  Oh, baby, baby!  I can’t take it!!

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