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The latest buzz around Ottawa:

“Congratulations to the new leader of the NDP. You know who else has a beard? Castro. Just sayin’…”

“Did you think we meant that the F-35s would cost nine billion dollars? No, no, no… we were always talking in terms of pounds… they’re going to cost nine billion pounds! It’s standard accounting procedure.”

“The Royal Canadian Oil Sands are a proud part of the Canadian tradition of self-sufficiency, determination, and ingenuity. Canadian.”

“Rob Ford? I’ve never met the man, let alone went on a secluded fishing trip with him.”

“The Prime Minister has paid the full ticket price for each hockey game he’s attended while in office. Wink!”

“C’mon, you didn’t really think you’d be able to retire at 65 anyway, did you? With all the money we’re gonna spend on fighter jets? Tell you what, we’ve got plenty of new jobs as prison guards right around the corner… how’d you like that?”

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Guantanamo BayWith President Barack Obama recently losing a vote on a bill in Congress which would have seen Guantanamo terror suspects transferred to prisons in the continental U.S., surprising news has emerged that the detainees themselves, including the so-called “worst of the worst”, are reluctant to make the move to mainland prisons.  Although getting any information from detainees is difficult, the few that have access to lawyers have made their preference clear: “Please don’t put us in American prisons.”  June Fremantle, the court-appointed defense attorney for Ali Muhammad al-Maliky, who has been detained since January 2002, released this statement from her client: “I grew up in Beirut during the worst of the fighting.  Times were hard.  I watched my parents killed by a bomb that destroyed our home, and my brother murdered in front of my eyes.  Since I was captured and brought to Guantanamo, I have been tortured on and off for six years, and have had no access to normal human contact.  But the thought of going to an American prison truly frightens me.  I’ve seen Oz.”  Other prisoners agree, citing fears of anal rape, riots, and “shivs” (knives fashioned from spoons). Al-Maliky concludes, “At least here all of the prisoners are on the same side.  Here, I feel safe.”

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