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"Oh look over there! Canadian values!"

“Oh look over there! Canadian values!”

Oh, Kellie Leitch, you strange, unique, visionary xenophobe. I’ve been watching your video today. You know the one; everyone’s talking about it, and they’re not saying anything nice. In my favourite riff on this thing that you’ve unleashed on the world and that you no doubt believe is true and moving, someone has slowed it down by 40%, making you appear to talk like someone’s drunk aunt. And maybe that’s exactly what you are–no judgements here, because that would be mean and a barbaric cultural practice.

Kellie, you’ve been around for quite a while now, beating your drum about how Canada needs to have face-to-face interviews with every immigrant, refugee–and now you’re apparently adding visitors to that list?!–to screen for Canadian values. Do you have any other policies that the mainstream media isn’t reporting on because it’s fixated on this one batshit crazy one? I understand that you’re trying to carve out a space for yourself amongst too many candidates for the Conservative Party leadership, but won’t you need other ideas when you become Prime Minister? (By the way, it’s totally adorable that you think you’ll ever be Prime Minister, and please keep on saying you will be at every opportunity… I hope it’s the first thing you say when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you say before you drift off to sleep, perchance to dream about being Prime Minister, which as I said, is never going to happen.)

But Kellie, I notice you never really say–beyond meaningless buzz words and platitudes–what the Canadian values you hold so dear are. And so I’m here to help. Please feel free to use any or all of the following as examples of Canadian values.

  • Rolling up the rim
  • Knowing which parts of Alberta where it’s safe to cheer for the Oilers
  • How to correctly pronounce “about”
  • This Hour Has 22 Minutes used to be funnier
  • Feeling inferior to Americans while using humour to pretend we’re not
  • Margaret Atwood is a goddamn national treasure
  • Knowing that Windsor, ON is at the same latitude as Northern California
  • Canada has the real Niagara Falls
  • “50 Mission Cap” is the ultimate Tragically Hip song; “Wheat Kings” is also acceptable
  • Our beer is better than American beer
  • Knowing whether to vote for Kellie Leitch

Those are the values all real Canadians possess. Oh, and the last one? Real Canadians know the answer to that, too.

A Great GameFor years the Canadian publishing and political worlds have been abuzz with anticipation for Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s book on Canada’s national sport [Sorry, lacrosse, but honestly–get real. -Ed.] but the wait seems to be coming to an end with Thursday’s announcement of the title and publication date. Harper’s publisher, Simon & Schuster Canada, revealed that A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hockey would hit bookstore shelves on November 5th, just in time for the busy holiday-shopping season, not to mention the not-so-busy pro-roguing season. The book promises an historical perspective with a fan’s passion for the game, and yes, you read that right–Stephen Harper is promising passion. And after all, when you think of passion, isn’t Stephen Harper what you imagine?

We at the Centre for Poor Karma & Pain have obtained an exclusive, behind-the-scenes peek at this sure-to-be publishing milestone and can, for the first time ever, reveal the chapter headings:

  • Introduction: When I’m Finished Writing About Hockey, You Won’t Recognize It
  • Why You Can Thank Canada’s Founding Party for the Game You Love
  • The Reckless and Dangerous Liberal Meddling in Canada’s Defining Sport
  • Ask Me Three Questions About Hockey. One at a Time. OK, This Chapter Is Over
  • The Royal Canadian Hockey League
  • Sidney Crosby: He’s In Way Over His Head
  • Abolishing Records: Why Keeping Statistics Should Be Voluntary
  • The Sad History of the Long-Stick Registry
  • Declaring the Montreal Canadiens a Nation within the National Hockey League
  • Don Cherry and the Evolution of the Temporary Foreign Player Program
  • It Is High Time for the Ottawa Senators to be Equal, Elected, and Effective

The latest buzz around Ottawa:

“Congratulations to the new leader of the NDP. You know who else has a beard? Castro. Just sayin’…”

“Did you think we meant that the F-35s would cost nine billion dollars? No, no, no… we were always talking in terms of pounds… they’re going to cost nine billion pounds! It’s standard accounting procedure.”

“The Royal Canadian Oil Sands are a proud part of the Canadian tradition of self-sufficiency, determination, and ingenuity. Canadian.”

“Rob Ford? I’ve never met the man, let alone went on a secluded fishing trip with him.”

“The Prime Minister has paid the full ticket price for each hockey game he’s attended while in office. Wink!”

“C’mon, you didn’t really think you’d be able to retire at 65 anyway, did you? With all the money we’re gonna spend on fighter jets? Tell you what, we’ve got plenty of new jobs as prison guards right around the corner… how’d you like that?”

It was revealed today through confidential sources that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper frequently prorogues his own orgasms in an effort to prolong lovemaking sessions and to control the sexual agenda between he and his wife, Laureen.

“There are typically two ways that Prime Ministers can prorogue their orgasms,” according to constitutional sexpert Aubrey St. John-Smythe-Smith, “One, called the ‘withdrawal’ method, in which the sitting member simply refrains from entering the… if you will, ‘house’ until such time as he is ready to begin again the thrust and parry of debate, and two, colloquially known as ‘thinking about hockey’, used when certain sensitive issues have come to a head, where the Prime Minister refuses to contemplate the issues at hand, waiting instead for the moment when sensitivity decreases and he may once again dive full-force into the house, bringing both he and the house to a satisfactory climax.”

While critics are accusing the Prime Minister of abusing the trust of voters, being selfish, and delaying the inevitable, supporters point out that he is entirely in his rights to prorogue orgasms.  “The role of the Prime Minister today is much more robust and virile than it used to be, and the Canadian people expect their leader to take a commanding position in Parliament, as well as the bedroom.  Although the Governor General traditionally has the power to deny prorogue, this is no longer done in practice, as the Governor General has become largely a ceremonial position, and must be content to be a mere spectator as the Prime Minister takes the lead, sets the pace, and maps out the crucial decision to come,” explains a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Office.  “This is nothing new: proroguing has been done by nearly all of our Prime Ministers, hundreds of times… except King, of course.”

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