You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘mayor’ tag.

Toronto is still eight months away from the start of the long 2014 election campaign–although if you listen to the Mayor and his brother you’d be excused for thinking we’ve been in the middle of an election for the past six months–and yet the issues that will likely dominate already seem to be coalescing. Here is a sneak preview of what will be on every candidate’s lips in less than a year:

  • Subways, subways, subways
  • No one has done more for _____ than _____
  • Taxes, taxes, taxes
  • At the end of the day, Toronto needs _____, not _____
  • Efficiencies, folks, efficiencies
  • Casinos, casinos, casinos
  • These damn streetcars clogging up our streets
  • Jets, jets, jets
  • The people can’t afford the things that the people are demanding that they want
  • Respect, respect, respect

I don’t know about you, but if you’re like Rob Ford and hate the actual business of governing, and can’t wait for this session of City Council to be over and the election season of strident name-calling, empty catchphrases and soon-to-be-broken promises to begin, 2014 can’t come soon enough!

Advertisements

“My defence is that you’re all liars.”

“That never happened, and if it did, it was because I was drunk.”

“The kids!”

“The football players!!”

“The black football players!!!”

“Folks…”

“It’s not a conflict if I never understood the rules in the first place.”

“Err, Doug, maybe you shouldn’t… <sigh>”

“I do not understand math.”

“________? I don’t know the meaning of the word.”

“Do you wanna step outside?”

The Imaginarium of Doctor Douglas Ford

After stunning Toronto with his plans to upend years of careful planning by Waterfront Toronto and replace it with a heretofore unseen “vision” of his own, rookie City Councillor Doug Ford has signalled that he’s not through… not by a long shot.

“I promised everyone that jaws would drop when they saw these plans, didn’t I?” an excited Ford said when reached by phone. “It’s a good thing we decided to take those nurses from the province, because instead of fighting bed bugs we used ’em to reattach all the dropped jaws! But if anyone thinks that a mega-mall, sail-in luxury hotel, and an emerald necklace is all I’ve got, then they don’t know Doug Ford!” adding, “I’ve crapped bigger visions than those Waterfront Toronto yahoos!”

He was quick to stress that his plan for the Port Lands was not a hasty, back-of-the-napkin dream: “No no no–I’ve been working on this for months and the idea that I sketched out a monorail and ferris wheel on a napkin is simply ridiculous. I own a label company; there’s a metric shit tonne of real high quality paper at my disposal. You don’t get this kind of quality Power Point slide show wet dream over a five-beer lunch… you get it by meeting in secret with foreign big-wigs over many months.” Asked why the meetings with Westfield Group were hidden from the public, Ford replied “Duh! So the commies don’t get ahold of the plans and mess them up!”

Councillor Ford’s other ideas for Toronto’s waterfront include:

– Separated bike lanes (already approved by Council) will be revealed to spell out “FORD NATION” when seen from the top of the world’s biggest ferris wheel

– Like in the 1970s dystopian science fiction film classic Logan’s Run, the Port Lands will be covered by a protective dome, in order to keep out the chilly Lake Ontario winds during the winter. Also like Logan’s Run, residents will have a light implanted in their palm that will begin flashing when they’ve outstayed their welcome, to better enable private security firms to track them down.

– Instead of renaturalizing the mouth of the Don River, Ford’s plan calls for a park that will double as a spillway and run south through the Port Lands. Pundits are already calling this feature “The Doug-Out”

– The Port Lands will be connected to the rest of Toronto by a single bridge that can be destroyed in case of zombie infestation. If the Port Lands are infected, this will keep the zombies safely at bay. If the city, province, or country are infected, see protective dome above

Rob Ford braves the sunlight in order to push his Moleman-centric agenda on unsuspecting Elven Lord Dalton McGuinty

With his musings about building a car tunnel under the Gardiner Expressway, Toronto Councillor Doug Ford has once again demonstrated his devotion to the idea of moving transit and commuting underground, and clearly indicated his allegiance to the larger moleman agenda. Along with his brother, actual Mayor Rob Ford, Doug was instrumental in moving the crosstown Eglinton LRT (Light Rail Transit) below ground, at tremendously-increased cost compared to the original plan, which called for construction aboveground, in the sun and fresh air where normal humans thrive. In addition the brothers, whose predilection for squinting when exposed to any form of natural light should not be ignored, have been advocating for a private-public plan to build an extension to the Sheppard subway line, and claim that it can be built at no cost to taxpayers by leveraging development fees. The mayor also says he will not use road trolls to build the expansion, though the man he hired to find funding has been touting it as an option: “The people I’ve spoken to don’t want road trolls; they’re smelly and I don’t trust them. They punish hard-working families, sometimes by making their children into gravy. It’s time to stop the gravy-train.”

“I ran on a promise to build subways, and that’s what I’m going to do… they’re ours and we wants ’em! Everything is better underground… I absolutely love the PATH system, which allows me to travel between City Hall and the Air Canada Centre without once going outside,” explained the Mayor, his pale skin a clear indication of his avoidance of daylight. “That way I can avoid the harsh glare of the sun–it burns! it burns!–to say nothing of public scrutiny.”

“Hello, Toronto, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me.

“Sadly, he isn’t the Mayor, but if he stopped riding his bike to work and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me.

“Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a downtown road with not a single streetcar or bus in sight. The war on the car is over, remember? You’re welcome!

“What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s a new football stadium with two tickets to the SuperBowl that I brought to Toronto, because every world class city–at least in North America–has an NFL team. And I’m the coach and the linebacker who just sacked that pretty boy Tom Brady!

“Look, I know you just wanted a balanced budget and lower taxes but I was elected on a mandate to destroy years of public transit planning and bring an NFL team to Toronto! OK, maybe you weren’t around when I talked about that stuff, but I definitely discussed it with my election team over beer and pizza… we got so wasted! Anyway, I swear we can do all of this without raising taxes or cutting services that I care about… we went over the math and it all works perfectly! Of course, Dougy and I were pretty high that night…

“Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Are you happy now? God, I can’t believe how ungrateful you are, after everything I’ve done for you… Grapes was right, you damn lefty pinkos.

“Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a sweaty fat man, which is what you’re all thinking, isn’t it? That I smell bad? C’mon, I’m on a horse. Blame the horse, man!”

This ad is not approved by Rob Ford.

"Mayor? I thought I was running for village idiot!"

“Bicycle lanes are for Communists… if they really loved this country they’d buy a big SUV and drive downtown to work, and have another one in the garage so Mom can drive to the corner store.  I’d help traffic flow by banning bikes, buses, and streetcars from our streets, and expand parking by tearing down that AGO-thingy and building a big garage.”

“People on welfare shouldn’t get this so-called ‘Special Diet Supplement’–it’s a waste of the taxpayer’s money.  If they’re hungry they have plenty of babies they can eat… I know what the liberal media is going to say about that… ‘A lot of them come from cultures where they don’t eat meat’… well, I say if you’re going to come to this country you need to adjust to our culture, and if that means eating a few babies, then so be it.  By the way, the bonus is that they happen to be delicious!”

“I’ve long made a stand against frivolous government spending, and I live it every day–I haven’t used a cent of my Councillor’s office budget… in fact, I’ve paid them for office supplies!  I think the whole city could learn from my example, and we could cut so much waste… every time I go to the store and get a receipt, I think ‘That paper’s coming right off the company’s bottom line, and that employee isn’t contributing anything!  Would it kill her to buy her own receipt rolls?’  Another example of savings is that I always get my dealer to throw in rolling papers for free… see, Rob Ford is watching every nickel and dime bag!”

Twitter Updates

Archives

Blog Stats

  • 85,914 hits

Pages

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 109 other followers

Advertisements