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America: President Trump! Did you order the Code Red?!

“Judge” Jeanine Pirro: You don’t have to answer that question!

Trump: I’ll answer the question. You want an answer?

America: I think I’m entitled to it!

Trump: You want an answer?!

America: I want the truth!!

Trump: You’re fake news! We live in a world that has walls, like in Vatican City and around Obama’s mansion, and I’m the only one who can build this wall. A beautiful wall of solid concrete, or steel or gold or whatever. Who’s gonna build it? Me! Not the failing New York Times or Nancy Pelosi or Jeff Bozo! I am a stabler genius than you can possibly fathom. You weep for MS-13 and you curse the Deplorables. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that colluding with Russia, which no one can prove and anyway it was Crooked Hillary who was colluding, probably saved lives. And my hair and spray tan and mushroom dick, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, save lives! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want that wall. You need that wall. We use words like “Pocahantas”, “covfefe”, “loyalty.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent lying about everything. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the attention span to explain myself to Democrats who rise and sleep under the Trump-branded blanket (all sales final) of the very freedom that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you Mr. Trump”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you come back to Washington, and give me $5.7 billion for this wall or steel slats or white picket fence. The real America has picket fences! Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

America: Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Did you order the Code Red?

Trump: I did the job that—-

America: Did you order the Code Red?!

Trump: I ORDERED A GODDAMN DIET COKE!

That's about the size of it...

That’s about the size of it…

As Donald Trump attempts to put questions about President Barack Obama’s birthplace behind him, another controversy, this time about Trump himself, is starting to gain attention. And like so many other questions about the Republican Presidential candidate, from his sewer rat’s nest hair-do to his inexplicably orange skin to his tiny baby hands, this one has to do with his body: in this case, his penis, and specifically its girth, or more properly its lack of girth.

If the rumours about Trump’s penis that are starting to become more than the whispers that have long-circulated in New York, Miss Universe pageants, Atlantic City, and Trump family reunions are being spoken out loud more and more frequently, Mr. Trump has only himself to blame. By constantly talking about his sexual conquests, both in and out of marriage, he has surely courted this controversy: women are happy to put unsatisfying sexual experiences behind them and be discrete, especially when it comes to the physical deficiencies of sexual partners, and that’s even more true when it comes to self-aggrandizing, shit-heel billionaires. But Trump insisted on airing his dirty laundry in public, and it’s no surprise that discussion eventually turned to his tighty-whities and how they were never particularly full.

At the same time, his inability to allow the snarky comments about his small hands pass without comment led ex-partners to compare notes and reporters to connect the dots. (You know what they say about men with small hands.) Trump is notoriously thin-skinned when it comes to criticism of himself, and more and more talk is centering on his equally thin-skinned penis, which rumours indicate is of average length, but exceedingly small in circumference, or in common parlance, “girth.”

The small but growing (which cannot be said about Trump’s penis, according to one ex-girlfriend: “It’s just small”) “girther” movement is demanding assurances from the Trump campaign that his penis is of at least average American girth, while criticizing the so-called “lengthers” who are focused on its length. “We in the Republican Party, and others who want to Make America Great Again, are not concerned about penis length,” claims a spokesman, “because we know that our diversity is our strength. The important thing is that the President has a penis, whatever length it happens to be. But it would just make all of us more comfortable to know that The Donald’s packing something substantial. Americans of all colours and lengths know that Hillary Clinton and the Democrats are not the answer to solving our problems. I mean, she doesn’t even have a penis!”

For his part, Trump insists that he has “tremendous girth, beautiful girth, it’s quite something… I can barely fit my hand around it, not that I need to masturbate, I have my pick of gorgeous women… believe me, there’s no issue down there!” When asked to have the distance between his ring finger and thumb measured, however, the candidate demurred, saying that he couldn’t allow that since he was under audit.

Bill and Hillary ClintonA story from the Associated Press intended as a light-hearted piece on former President Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton instead revealed that the couple have a completely different notion of the meaning of the “5 People You Meet in Heaven” list, based on Mitch Albom’s bestselling book.  The novel, about a man named Eddie who “finds himself in heaven where he encounters five people who have significantly effected his life, whether he realized at the time or not,” reflects on the importance of even the simplest of lives, and how we all matter.  Asked to imagine the people no longer with us who effected their lives deeply, and who they might meet in heaven, the Clintons gave radically different answers.

Hillary:

  1. Her grandmother, an inspirational and tough pioneer
  2. Indira Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister
  3. Sylvia Plath, Poet and Novelist
  4. Eva Peron, Argentinian political icon
  5. Andrea Dworkin, American radical feminist

Bill:

  1. Heidi Klum, model (not deceased)
  2. Tera Patrick, porn star (definitely not dead)
  3. Wilt Chamberlain, basketball legend and renowned ladies’ man
  4. Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder and pajamas-wearer (alive)
  5. John F. Kennedy, philanderer and President of the United States

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