You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘election’ tag.

I’m going to come right out and say it, NDP–I’m worried about you.

It’s been at least four hours since I received an email or phone call from you asking for support.

Have your forgotten that we have an election battle coming up? This is a critical time, and every dollar helps!

I know you’re at a disadvantage to the Liberals and Doug Ford’s Progressive Conservatives. I’m not saying I can offer any more than I already do, but shouldn’t you continue to ask me, three to four times a day?

I assume Andrea Howarth is traveling all over the province with the good news of the NDP Dental Care Plan, giving hope to middle class Ontarians who haven’t had a lot to smile about after 15 years of Liberal mismanagement. But how can I know for sure, when I’ve been sitting at home all afternoon with not one update on her pre-campaign campaign?

C’mon NDP–I don’t have to hear from you every hour, but I just wanna know you’re there… for me.

Advertisements

Toronto is still eight months away from the start of the long 2014 election campaign–although if you listen to the Mayor and his brother you’d be excused for thinking we’ve been in the middle of an election for the past six months–and yet the issues that will likely dominate already seem to be coalescing. Here is a sneak preview of what will be on every candidate’s lips in less than a year:

  • Subways, subways, subways
  • No one has done more for _____ than _____
  • Taxes, taxes, taxes
  • At the end of the day, Toronto needs _____, not _____
  • Efficiencies, folks, efficiencies
  • Casinos, casinos, casinos
  • These damn streetcars clogging up our streets
  • Jets, jets, jets
  • The people can’t afford the things that the people are demanding that they want
  • Respect, respect, respect

I don’t know about you, but if you’re like Rob Ford and hate the actual business of governing, and can’t wait for this session of City Council to be over and the election season of strident name-calling, empty catchphrases and soon-to-be-broken promises to begin, 2014 can’t come soon enough!

“Hello, Toronto, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me.

“Sadly, he isn’t the Mayor, but if he stopped riding his bike to work and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me.

“Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a downtown road with not a single streetcar or bus in sight. The war on the car is over, remember? You’re welcome!

“What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s a new football stadium with two tickets to the SuperBowl that I brought to Toronto, because every world class city–at least in North America–has an NFL team. And I’m the coach and the linebacker who just sacked that pretty boy Tom Brady!

“Look, I know you just wanted a balanced budget and lower taxes but I was elected on a mandate to destroy years of public transit planning and bring an NFL team to Toronto! OK, maybe you weren’t around when I talked about that stuff, but I definitely discussed it with my election team over beer and pizza… we got so wasted! Anyway, I swear we can do all of this without raising taxes or cutting services that I care about… we went over the math and it all works perfectly! Of course, Dougy and I were pretty high that night…

“Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Are you happy now? God, I can’t believe how ungrateful you are, after everything I’ve done for you… Grapes was right, you damn lefty pinkos.

“Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a sweaty fat man, which is what you’re all thinking, isn’t it? That I smell bad? C’mon, I’m on a horse. Blame the horse, man!”

This ad is not approved by Rob Ford.

"Mayor? I thought I was running for village idiot!"

“Bicycle lanes are for Communists… if they really loved this country they’d buy a big SUV and drive downtown to work, and have another one in the garage so Mom can drive to the corner store.  I’d help traffic flow by banning bikes, buses, and streetcars from our streets, and expand parking by tearing down that AGO-thingy and building a big garage.”

“People on welfare shouldn’t get this so-called ‘Special Diet Supplement’–it’s a waste of the taxpayer’s money.  If they’re hungry they have plenty of babies they can eat… I know what the liberal media is going to say about that… ‘A lot of them come from cultures where they don’t eat meat’… well, I say if you’re going to come to this country you need to adjust to our culture, and if that means eating a few babies, then so be it.  By the way, the bonus is that they happen to be delicious!”

“I’ve long made a stand against frivolous government spending, and I live it every day–I haven’t used a cent of my Councillor’s office budget… in fact, I’ve paid them for office supplies!  I think the whole city could learn from my example, and we could cut so much waste… every time I go to the store and get a receipt, I think ‘That paper’s coming right off the company’s bottom line, and that employee isn’t contributing anything!  Would it kill her to buy her own receipt rolls?’  Another example of savings is that I always get my dealer to throw in rolling papers for free… see, Rob Ford is watching every nickel and dime bag!”

Twitter Updates

  • Is Adam Sandler a secret Andy Kaufman acolyte? Is the fact that his Netflix special is unfunny what makes it funny? 6 days ago
  • “Do you want to see the Messiah?” “I think I’d like to.” “You can’t Handel the Messiah!!” 2 weeks ago
  • There’s never going to be an Ambush Bug movie is there? 2 weeks ago
  • Just remembered that Hamburger Helper and Rice-a-Roni exist 2 weeks ago
  • Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice... well, you’re a magician so it’s your job, isn’t it? Carry on. 2 weeks ago

Blog Stats

  • 85,553 hits

Pages

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 105 other followers

Advertisements