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Where did you go, September?

It was right there on my to-do list: write blog post. I knew that September only has 30 days, and I needed to post something yesterday or break my string going back to 2009 of having posted something in every month, even if it was crap or recycled dreck.

But I failed.

I could have just back-dated something, which I did almost two years ago, when I hadn’t written anything for more than two months, a time when I desperately hated my job and had no inspiration for anything. Time freed up for me then when I was fired from that job and I had all the time in the world to blog (not that I wrote that much, just enough to fuel the illusion that I was a dilegent if infrequent blogger).

I could have come home earlier, instead of staying out after trivia and singing no fewer than three karaoke songs (two of which I performed credibly), and tossed off something before the clock struck midnight. But I’m trying to learn to forgive myself for the artificial pressures no one but me is putting upon myself, and maybe this rant cum confession is better than anything I could have written under a deadline.

This is a line in the sand. Hopefully from now on I’ll feel more inspiration or motivation to write regularly. September 2018 will be the mensis horibilis that marks the past off from the future. Let it stay empty, as a sign of a turning point in my creative life.

I realize this post is not at all funny and so off-brand to the purpose of this blog, so here’s my favourite joke:

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a ship’s wheel attached to his groin. The bartender asks what’ll it be and the pirate says “rum.” After a few more rounds the bartender can’t contain his curiosity and asks what’s up with the wheel. The pirate replies, “Yaarrrr, I don’t know, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

There just might be hope on the horizon for a perpetual loser (and selfsame author of this blog). After years of failure and disappointment (what other, more successful people generally term “life”), things might just be looking up.

The erstwhile writer has had a dry patch for a while, but coming up with the Onion-esque title for this post, as derivative and unoriginal as it is, has actually inspired him to think he just might have something to contribute to society after all. (Undoubtedly he’s wrong and you all know it, but please let him keep fooling himself, at least for a day or two… would that be too much to ask?)

And then there’s the development of two (two!) (as-yet) loveless internet relationships, which represent a new high for concurrent, virtual, precarious connections in his life, beating the previous high of one potential match whose seeming rekindling after months of silence turned out to be a case of mistaken identity, namely that it became apparent that the woman in question confused him with another man entirely. They were never to meet again.

After a period of unemployment, the author had two interviews in a single week, bestowing a sense of promise and potential upon him that has been long absent. While it may not seem to be a big deal for people who manage to hold down gainful employment for years at a time, for this fuckup it’s a headline that fairly screams, “I’m back, baby!”

Just today, the local failure had a meal that, for the first time in months, he actually enjoyed and took pleasure in. You wouldn’t know it from his corpulence (the term “spare tire” to describe a tubby midsection might have been invented for his body) but although he eats plenty each day, his profound loserdom means that eating has often been an empty, joyless act. But no more!

And the weather! Might it finally be turning? May a day be approaching when he doesn’t have to wear a jacket, scarf, and toque? Is his happiness at this tiny joy not the very definition of pathetic fallacy? (Seriously, is it or isn’t it? He may be an author, but he doesn’t know his literary terms very well.)

Huzzah!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,800 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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