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The Imaginarium of Doctor Douglas Ford

After stunning Toronto with his plans to upend years of careful planning by Waterfront Toronto and replace it with a heretofore unseen “vision” of his own, rookie City Councillor Doug Ford has signalled that he’s not through… not by a long shot.

“I promised everyone that jaws would drop when they saw these plans, didn’t I?” an excited Ford said when reached by phone. “It’s a good thing we decided to take those nurses from the province, because instead of fighting bed bugs we used ’em to reattach all the dropped jaws! But if anyone thinks that a mega-mall, sail-in luxury hotel, and an emerald necklace is all I’ve got, then they don’t know Doug Ford!” adding, “I’ve crapped bigger visions than those Waterfront Toronto yahoos!”

He was quick to stress that his plan for the Port Lands was not a hasty, back-of-the-napkin dream: “No no no–I’ve been working on this for months and the idea that I sketched out a monorail and ferris wheel on a napkin is simply ridiculous. I own a label company; there’s a metric shit tonne of real high quality paper at my disposal. You don’t get this kind of quality Power Point slide show wet dream over a five-beer lunch… you get it by meeting in secret with foreign big-wigs over many months.” Asked why the meetings with Westfield Group were hidden from the public, Ford replied “Duh! So the commies don’t get ahold of the plans and mess them up!”

Councillor Ford’s other ideas for Toronto’s waterfront include:

– Separated bike lanes (already approved by Council) will be revealed to spell out “FORD NATION” when seen from the top of the world’s biggest ferris wheel

– Like in the 1970s dystopian science fiction film classic Logan’s Run, the Port Lands will be covered by a protective dome, in order to keep out the chilly Lake Ontario winds during the winter. Also like Logan’s Run, residents will have a light implanted in their palm that will begin flashing when they’ve outstayed their welcome, to better enable private security firms to track them down.

– Instead of renaturalizing the mouth of the Don River, Ford’s plan calls for a park that will double as a spillway and run south through the Port Lands. Pundits are already calling this feature “The Doug-Out”

– The Port Lands will be connected to the rest of Toronto by a single bridge that can be destroyed in case of zombie infestation. If the Port Lands are infected, this will keep the zombies safely at bay. If the city, province, or country are infected, see protective dome above

"Mayor? I thought I was running for village idiot!"

“Bicycle lanes are for Communists… if they really loved this country they’d buy a big SUV and drive downtown to work, and have another one in the garage so Mom can drive to the corner store.  I’d help traffic flow by banning bikes, buses, and streetcars from our streets, and expand parking by tearing down that AGO-thingy and building a big garage.”

“People on welfare shouldn’t get this so-called ‘Special Diet Supplement’–it’s a waste of the taxpayer’s money.  If they’re hungry they have plenty of babies they can eat… I know what the liberal media is going to say about that… ‘A lot of them come from cultures where they don’t eat meat’… well, I say if you’re going to come to this country you need to adjust to our culture, and if that means eating a few babies, then so be it.  By the way, the bonus is that they happen to be delicious!”

“I’ve long made a stand against frivolous government spending, and I live it every day–I haven’t used a cent of my Councillor’s office budget… in fact, I’ve paid them for office supplies!  I think the whole city could learn from my example, and we could cut so much waste… every time I go to the store and get a receipt, I think ‘That paper’s coming right off the company’s bottom line, and that employee isn’t contributing anything!  Would it kill her to buy her own receipt rolls?’  Another example of savings is that I always get my dealer to throw in rolling papers for free… see, Rob Ford is watching every nickel and dime bag!”

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