You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘barack obama’ tag.

America: President Trump! Did you order the Code Red?!

“Judge” Jeanine Pirro: You don’t have to answer that question!

Trump: I’ll answer the question. You want an answer?

America: I think I’m entitled to it!

Trump: You want an answer?!

America: I want the truth!!

Trump: You’re fake news! We live in a world that has walls, like in Vatican City and around Obama’s mansion, and I’m the only one who can build this wall. A beautiful wall of solid concrete, or steel or gold or whatever. Who’s gonna build it? Me! Not the failing New York Times or Nancy Pelosi or Jeff Bozo! I am a stabler genius than you can possibly fathom. You weep for MS-13 and you curse the Deplorables. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that colluding with Russia, which no one can prove and anyway it was Crooked Hillary who was colluding, probably saved lives. And my hair and spray tan and mushroom dick, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, save lives! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want that wall. You need that wall. We use words like “Pocahantas”, “covfefe”, “loyalty.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent lying about everything. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the attention span to explain myself to Democrats who rise and sleep under the Trump-branded blanket (all sales final) of the very freedom that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “thank you Mr. Trump”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you come back to Washington, and give me $5.7 billion for this wall or steel slats or white picket fence. The real America has picket fences! Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

America: Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Did you order the Code Red?

Trump: I did the job that—-

America: Did you order the Code Red?!

Trump: I ORDERED A GODDAMN DIET COKE!

Advertisements

What if, instead of yelling our contempt at the people who consternate us, we quietly said, “Nevertheless, I love you”? What would the assholes think about that?

NGOs with attitude should be kicked straight outta the UN.

Don’t be angry with slaves: pity them, for they are but servants to the tyrant. Damn, that was a tough day at work.

Is there a Christian line of succession, e.g. God, Jesus, Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary…? If God dies or is killed does Jesus take over, then the Holy Ghost, etc.? At what point does Barack Obama become acting God? What about Kanye?

Rejected Nas album titles: Jagged Little Ill, Triumph of the Ill.

Keep the home fires burning, but don’t burn my home fries!

New elements for the Periodic Table, 2015: idriselbium, bromancium, kardashium.

New dishes for my pun-themed restaurant: Baklava to the Future, Mongolian Custard Fuck, Mumford and Plums.

Despite well-intentioned efforts by people like Jimmy Carter, Habitat for Humanity is consistently outfunded by Habitat for Inhumanity, which has branches in nearly every country in the world.

"Hey Justin, how many pubes today?"

Sixteen-year old pop sensation Justin Bieber is an idol for millions of rabid fans, a teenage heart-throb, and a habitual trending topic on Twitter only months after bursting onto the music scene.  He is the first artist to have seven songs from a debut album chart on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.  His debut single charted in the top 30 in more than ten countries, and new hit song “Baby” is an international smash.  He is also totally freaking out about the hair that has begun to grow around his genitals.

Bieber is one of the youngest musical guests to ever appear on Saturday Night Live.  After a fierce bidding war which included strong interest from Justin Timberlake, the adorable singer/dancer was signed by Usher to Island Records in late 2008.  Hard-working as well as talented, Bieber taught himself to play the piano, drums, guitar, and trumpet.  He is also wondering why these curly black hairs have suddenly appeared and if anyone else has ever had this sort of thing happen to them.

Bieber performed for U.S. President Barack Obama at the White House for Christmas in Washington, which was broadcast on December 20, 2009, and days later was also one of the performers at Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve on December 31, 2009. He was a presenter at the Grammy Awards on January 31, 2010, and was invited to be a vocalist for the remake of “We Are the World” for its 25th anniversary to benefit Haiti after the earthquake.  Seriously, this is so gross and why does he have to be such a freak with ugly hair growing down there?

Bieber will begin recording his next album in the summer of 2010 in New York City. British singer/songwriter Taio Cruz has confirmed he is writing on Bieber’s next project.  That is, until he finds out that Bieber is some kind of wolfman or something… I mean, c’mon, this is like THE WORST THING EVER!!!  EPIC FAIL!!!

Bieber’s voice is now deeper than it was when he recorded his albums because of puberty.  The singer, discussing his vocals, remarked, “It cracks. Like every teenage boy, I’m dealing with it and I have the best vocal coach in the world. […] Some of the notes I hit on “Baby” I can’t hit anymore. We have to lower the key when I sing live.”  His trademark grin fading, Bieber adds: “Plus, I have freaking hair growing all around my wiener… why isn’t anyone teaching me how to deal with that?!  Fame and crazy fans I can handle, but pubes?  Oh, baby, baby!  I can’t take it!!

Guantanamo BayWith President Barack Obama recently losing a vote on a bill in Congress which would have seen Guantanamo terror suspects transferred to prisons in the continental U.S., surprising news has emerged that the detainees themselves, including the so-called “worst of the worst”, are reluctant to make the move to mainland prisons.  Although getting any information from detainees is difficult, the few that have access to lawyers have made their preference clear: “Please don’t put us in American prisons.”  June Fremantle, the court-appointed defense attorney for Ali Muhammad al-Maliky, who has been detained since January 2002, released this statement from her client: “I grew up in Beirut during the worst of the fighting.  Times were hard.  I watched my parents killed by a bomb that destroyed our home, and my brother murdered in front of my eyes.  Since I was captured and brought to Guantanamo, I have been tortured on and off for six years, and have had no access to normal human contact.  But the thought of going to an American prison truly frightens me.  I’ve seen Oz.”  Other prisoners agree, citing fears of anal rape, riots, and “shivs” (knives fashioned from spoons). Al-Maliky concludes, “At least here all of the prisoners are on the same side.  Here, I feel safe.”

harper_obama-300x222Canada and the United States share the world’s longest undefended border and the biggest trade between any two nations on Earth, but although both belong to NAFTA, issues of unfair trade practices occasionally arise.  Disputes have occurred in recent years over protectionism and charges of illegal subsidies in critical industries.  Although both countries benefit from close economic ties, a potential new rift is brewing over a growing deficit between the long-time allies, and President Barack Obama’s visit to Ottawa today only served to highlight the serious gap in political charisma between the two nations.  “I haven’t seen this kind of an imbalance since the days of John F. Kennedy,” one grizzled CBC veteran confided, “and even then, at least Diefenbaker had that wild hair and crazy look in his eyes… he was like some ornery granddad who might pick any occasion to spout off on how things were better in the good old days, and tell you to get off his goddamn lawn.  Lord, I miss the 60s.”  The charisma deficit is so wide that Canada, which once held its own against the US with leaders like Pierre Trudeau and Jean Chretien proving eminently quotable and unpredictable, had to beg Obama to make his first foreign trip as President a short visit to Canada in order to inject an emergency stimulus of star power into the disengaged nation.  “I never would have used the word ‘charismatic’ to describe Paul Martin,” one political observer mused, “but somehow, Stephen Harper has even less magnetism… he’s like a black hole of charisma: not even light can escape.”

Twitter Updates

Blog Stats

  • 85,910 hits

Pages

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 109 other followers

Advertisements