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come-from-awayWhat if 9/11 was planned by the people of Gander, Newfoundland in an a scheme to reroute airplanes and then make the entire world believe that they’re the kindest, most unselfish folks in the whole world? And then—and here’s the real endgame—capitalize on a smash Broadway musical? Horrifying if true! Bad enough to kill over three thousand people and destroy billions of dollars of property for favourable press coverage, good will, and Broadway box office receipts, but they surely couldn’t have known that 9/11 would also lead to invasions of Afghanistan, Iraq, and years of death and political turmoil? Surely all of the tragedy of the last fifteen years wasn’t part of the plan? All I can say is, Newfoundlanders are very social people, and tickets start at $47, so you do the math!

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Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the World Trade Center attack on 9/11 and America’s Public Enemy Number One, has revealed in his latest taped message the real reason he hates America–not for its freedom, its commitment to democracy, its Christianity, and not even for KFC’s Double Down, but for a far more personal reason.

In an audio-only message sent to Al Jazeera, the Arabic news network, Bin Laden, who has continued to elude capture more than nine years after the attack that killed nearly 3000 and changed American politics forever, discusses for the first time his surprising connection to one of the most enduring symbols of America: the Dallas Cowboys.

“I see that the Cowboys, scorn be upon them, have started the season 1-2,” Bin Laden says, pausing unexpectedly from his habitual rants about America being the Great Satan, continuing “This brings great joy to my heart… I can’t help but speculate that, had the team a better special teams coordinator, if they had, for example, given more than a cursory glance to my resume instead of concentrating on my beard and robes… perhaps then, they might be able to return a punt with some authority…?  But what do I, a poor servant of Allah, peace be upon him, know?”

Jimmy Johnson, former head coach of the Cowboys, would neither confirm nor deny that Bin Laden interviewed for a coaching position with the team in the 1980s, but former quarterback Troy Aikman recalls team owner Jerry Jones touring the stadium, along with Texas Representative Charlie Wilson and a “little foreign guy” who was wearing a camouflage jacket and carrying a captured Soviet assault rifle, which Jones told Aikman that his guest had obtained by killing a Russian soldier with his bare hands.  Aikman remembers thinking that the story was “rad” but admits to not having thought of the encounter in many years. “Wow, it’s kind of crazy to think that had I been able to see the future, I could have snapped that little twerp’s neck like a turkey bone… or that, had we hired him, I might have been thanking him in my Hall of Fame acceptance speech… I wonder if I’d have nicknamed him ‘Sam’… or ‘Binny’…?  Crazy world.”

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