"Mayor? I thought I was running for village idiot!"

“Bicycle lanes are for Communists… if they really loved this country they’d buy a big SUV and drive downtown to work, and have another one in the garage so Mom can drive to the corner store.  I’d help traffic flow by banning bikes, buses, and streetcars from our streets, and expand parking by tearing down that AGO-thingy and building a big garage.”

“People on welfare shouldn’t get this so-called ‘Special Diet Supplement’–it’s a waste of the taxpayer’s money.  If they’re hungry they have plenty of babies they can eat… I know what the liberal media is going to say about that… ‘A lot of them come from cultures where they don’t eat meat’… well, I say if you’re going to come to this country you need to adjust to our culture, and if that means eating a few babies, then so be it.  By the way, the bonus is that they happen to be delicious!”

“I’ve long made a stand against frivolous government spending, and I live it every day–I haven’t used a cent of my Councillor’s office budget… in fact, I’ve paid them for office supplies!  I think the whole city could learn from my example, and we could cut so much waste… every time I go to the store and get a receipt, I think ‘That paper’s coming right off the company’s bottom line, and that employee isn’t contributing anything!  Would it kill her to buy her own receipt rolls?’  Another example of savings is that I always get my dealer to throw in rolling papers for free… see, Rob Ford is watching every nickel and dime bag!”

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