8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter was an American sitcom that aired from 2002 until 2005; I have only a passing knowledge of it since I was never able to watch more than a few minutes of it without being either bored, appalled, or both.  The show remains in syndication and seeing a listing for it on the TV guide had me pondering if the 8 simple rules were ever codified or if it was just a catchy title.  Before doing any research, I decided to make up my own 8 simple rules, and then compare my list to the actual rules.

  1. If you watch Entourage, you don’t get to date my daughter.
  2. There will be no use of the term “blue balls”.
  3. Hoes before bros… P.S. my daughter is not to be called “ho”.
  4. Under the shirt, over the bra.
  5. If I see your van a-rockin’, I will come a-knockin’.
  6. No glove, no love.
  7. You broke it, you bought it (hymen).
  8. Halfsies on abortions.

The actual 8 simple rules:

  1. Use your hands on my daughter and you’ll lose them after.
  2. You make her cry, I make you cry.
  3. Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
  4. Bring her home late, there’s no next date.
  5. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.
  6. No complaining while you’re waiting for her. If you’re bored, change my oil.
  7. If your pants hang off your hips, I’ll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
  8. Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

All-in-all, the actual rules are folksier than mine, and more likely to rhyme, but mine are more reflective of the time.