Rob Ford: “It’s all about submarines”

The future of transit for Toronto?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is taking his campaign to keep transit off surface routes to a new extreme, as he’s started to talk about replacing and upgrading the ferries that service the Toronto Islands. Concerned about an ongoing “war on the boat,” the Mayor has vowed that any new transportation to the Islands must be below the surface.

“I’m doing what the taxpayers want. They want submarines, that’s it. They don’t want ferries. I was out on Ward’s Island over the weekend, people came up to me and said, they want submarines. That’s it.

“It’s the taxpayers. The taxpayers want… I was elected on subways, they want submarines, they both start with ‘sub’… I was out on Saturday, people want submarines. That’s it.

“It’s all submarines. It’s all about submarines.”

Asked to clarify his belief that the Islands would be better served by underwater transit, despite the enormous cost, not to mention the environmental risk involved, with nuclear submarines being the preferred option, Mayor Ford continued:

“All about submarines. So, it’s the taxpayers that elected me to get the submarines in and that’s what we’re going to do.

“It’s like winning an election. So if they voted me in, that means [stutters a bit] I don’t win an election? It doesn’t make sense.”

The Mayor’s insistence on submarine transit to the popular destination has not won universal approval, even amongst his most ardent supporters. Councillor Doug Ford, the Mayor’s brother and closest advisor, prefers an underwater monorail, while Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti supports the submarine plan, but only if the vessels are armed with pink-coloured torpedoes, a nod to his own plans to set up legalized brothels on Centre Island.

Doug Ford Tries to Overturn Giants’ Super Bowl Win

"And in the time remaining, I'd like to talk about... Da Bears."

Everyone in Toronto knows that Etobicoke councillor Doug Ford is a huge football fan, just like Mayor Rob Ford. The brothers have made no secret of their desire to lure an NFL team to Toronto, and Super Bowl Sunday is famously their favourite day of the year. But after last weekend’s exciting game between the New York Giants and the New England Patriots, Doug is surprising many by launching a campaign to overturn the results of the game, a 21-17 triumph by the Giants.

While insisting that the NFL is supreme, a group of Etobicoke councillors led by Mr. Ford is attempting an end-run around last week’s result, sending a letter to Commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to allow the Bears to be declared the winner of the game. This is the latest gambit in Ford’s strategy to find respect for the Bears, who play in the US city that he calls his second home. The Bears did not make the playoffs, let alone play in the Super Bowl, which Mr. Ford calls “a real shit-slap in the face to all the hard-working taxpayers of Chicago.” He’s paying for the lobbying effort–which he calls SOB or “Save Our Bears”–out of his own deep, daddy-provided pockets.

“It’s really incredible that he’s trying to make the results of the Super Bowl, the supreme deciding force in football, irrelevant,” said Councillor Joe Mihevc, a left-leaning opponent of the Mayor and his brother, as well as a better judge of football talent, based on his record of defeating the Mayor in the Council football pool this past season. “But I will say one thing, SOB is a great name for this thing–it suits Doug to a T.”

For his part, Mr. Ford counters that “The recent decision by the NFL to move ahead with awarding the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Giants poses a number of concerns.”

The letter to Goodell added that heroics by Giants quarterback Eli Manning at last Sunday’s Super Bowl “reversed the direction” of a March, 2011, memorandum of understanding between the NFC, AFC, Commissioner’s office, and football fans that “the Giants are a bunch of East Coast, latte-sipping elitists.”

Reached for comment, Commissioner Goodell said that the memorandum of understanding was “non-binding” and required the Bears to actually make the playoffs. Mr. Goodell indicated last week that the winner of the Super Bowl has to be one of the teams playing in the game.

During Tuesday’s press conference announcing his challenge, Mr. Ford’s allies briefly debated the question of whether their gambit was consistent with football tradition. “I respect the game of football,” said Mr. Ford. “But football has to start respecting the fact that the Bears rule.”

News in Brief 2012: Overheard

United States

“Those Marines who urinated on the dead Taliban shouldn’t face criminal charges–they’re just 18 or 19-year old kids, after all. It’s not like they’re mentally handicapped, who I believe are fully responsible, and should be punished to the full extent of the law, including the death penalty.” -Rick Perry, Governor of Texas

Syria

“Hello? Is anyone out there? Would you help protect us if we told you we had oil?” -Syrian citizens everywhere

Canada

“Big Environment is out to destroy this country, and destroy jobs, and Ethical Oil and the Conservative Party are the only ones standing in the way. Won’t you please call your MP and let them know that you’re sick of buying oil from the Middle East, that it’s time we support Canadian jobs by raping our own environment? Oh, and boycott bananas!” -EthicalOil.org

2011 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 24,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Very Short Idiot’s Companion to Dummies

Guide books that should exist, but don’t:

The Cambridge Companion to Solitude

Mensa for Dummies

A Very Short Introduction to Verbosity

Complete Idiot’s Guide to Geniuses

Introducing Postscripts

The Cartoon Guide to Iconophobia

The Rough Guide to Precision

Beginner’s Guide to Experts

 

Fabrication Generation, “Rockin’ the Stache”

My friend FabGen is very talented… and I’m extremely jealous. Nevertheless, please take a look at his latest video–it’ll help you recapture some of that Movember high.

I helped film parts of the video–very small parts, and FabGen improved upon them immensely in post-production. You really ought to check out his site, at http://www.fabricationgeneration.com/ or on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/FabricationGeneration

“Not because I’m not a fighter.”

"Hell yes, I'm going with the sunglasses--they make me look baadasssss!"

Balls Banned from Toronto Schoolyard; Locals Giggle Immaturely

As reported in the Globe and Mail, National Post, and Toronto Star, a Toronto Public School has banned balls–with the exception of Nerf balls–from school property after some unfortunate injuries to students and a parent. I don’t really have a comment, I just wanted to thank the newspapers and the Internet for providing me with so many opportunities to giggle inappropriately and immaturely. I haven’t laughed this much since last year’s infamous “Public Works promises to fill up every hole and find every crack” campaign, not to mention 2004′s “What does the city propose to do about our nuts?” kerfuffle.

Citing safety, Toronto school takes brave stand against balls.

Balls have been removed from the playground at the Earl Beatty Public School in Toronto.

After several “serious incidents” where people were “almost struck” by flying balls, and one person was tragically bonked on the head, a Toronto elementary school has cracked down.

Students rebel against Toronto schoolyard ban on balls.

“It was total disregard for rules and total disrespect,” said Principal Alicia Fernandez, adding that parents, teachers and students have all been struck by rogue balls.

“We have very limited space in the playground, so it’s hard to monitor those balls as they’re flying around,” Ms. Fernandez said.

“I think they need these balls because they have a small schoolyard and that if they’re not going be able to play [with them] they might be picking up rocks, or the pinecones,” said Ms. White. “They need some kind of bouncy ball. Every kid does.”

Students at Earl Beatty Public School revolt: ‘We want our balls back.’

“We want our balls back! We want our balls back!” they chanted as supervisors in fluorescent vests shooed them away from the edge of the property and reporters gathered on the other side the fence.

“They’re indoor balls,” said 13-year-old Annabelle Grant, a Grade 8 student. “If we don’t have (real) balls we won’t be as active.”

The Day Satire Died, Rob Ford Edition

You win, Mayor Ford. Your actual life is far more ridiculous than anything I could ever dream up. I bow before you.

Classic Album Marketing: Ray Martin and His Orchestra, “Goldfinger and Other Music from James Bond Thrillers”

I’ve recently been copying music from my parents’ LP collection (mostly from the 1960s) onto CDs; they have a small but eclectic collection, a mix of country, easy listening, and movie soundtracks… and only a single Elvis album and one Beatles amongst them. If anyone doubts that the world has changed, some of the write-ups on the backs of the albums are really of their time. In the first of an ongoing series, I’m going to reproduce verbatim some of the copy on the back of Ray Martin and His Orchestra’s “Goldfinger and Other Music from James Bond Thrillers.”

007 is the most exciting number since topless bathing suits, seventy-six trombones, the Irish Sweepstakes winner or Elizabeth Taylor.

007 is one of the great all-time emergency numbers like Dial M for Murder, that unlisted one between the White House and the Kremlin, or the Daily Double. It is also the serial number for the most appealing, devastating secret agent since incense and candlelight.

James Bond is the inspired 007: Sir Hocus-Pocus; Lord Hokum; Duke of Deviltry; a combination of the Royal Marines, the FBI, the Rangers and Houdini; a name that makes Casanova sound like a Brazilian supper club. He scales super-heights in the erasure of inhuman Bondage and sparks romantic ideas for the timid, the tiresome and others who can’t even entertain an opinion.

. . . 007 is more than a laundry mark on James Bond shirts these days. Ladies monogram their lingerie with it. Young girls design dreams around it. Older matrons sit around and doodle with it.